Ready or Not... Here Life Comes

Life is defined by change. Life is never static, always moving, whether we are ready or not. There are many aspects of our life that make their presence known regardless of how much we try to prevent them, avoid them, or pretend they don’t exist. But pushing them away and resisting change only puts us at a disservice because life has an agenda, and life is in no way going to change its agenda because we ask it to. Whether we are ready or not, life is going to come. And regardless of how hard we try to find the perfect hiding place, life has a way of knowing even the best of hiding places, and so we waste our time and energy searching to avoid the inevitable of being found when we could have embraced the life ahead of us, preparing ourselves to deal with the inevitable change rather than being caught off guard, unprepared with how to deal with the life that has found us.

And it has taken me 19 full years to realize the true nature of life, despite having lived life each and every day for the past 19 years. It’s not that I didn’t realize how ever changing life can be, full of transitions, full of surprises, both good and bad, full of the necessity to move on from the past and embrace the future. But it was more that I resisted it, wished it away, hoped that in turning my back to its existence, it would disappear. I wanted change to go away because change is uncomfortable. Change can be unpredictable. Change can be out of your control. Change can bring forward some pretty difficult situations, some that never seem to end. But with more and more attempts to hide, the more and more I realized that trying to put my foot down against life’s efforts to bring change into my life was a worthless cause. Change happens. So I was either gonna keep painfully trudging through life, pouting, moaning, and groaning every time I had to deal with change or I would have to learn to deal with it. And not only deal with it. Accept its presence, embrace it, learn from it, and thrive in it.

Sounds like a challenge, right? Right. I thought it would be bad enough just to accept change. And now I have to embrace it and learn from it and thrive in it? Initially, the first thought that popped through my head was that this was a lost cause, that it would be much easier to just return to my old ways of hiding and avoiding and hoping life would go my way. But in stopping and catching myself in that cycle of thinking, the cycle that prevented me from embracing life, I finally came to the realization that I was done with approaching every moment of change as a shaking ball of anxiety and frustration and distress. I was done with not being able to deal with change just because I thought that change was bad and scary. If life was going to happen anyways, then why not learn to handle it with grace and style?

But it took a long time and a lot of life circumstances to convince me of this. It took me ten years of an eating disorder, multiple hospitalizations, failed attempts at recovery, and constant anxiety to teach me that my inability to deal with change and with the demands of life was the root of my eating disorder and the root of my anxiety and the root of my overall dissatisfaction with my life. Every time I was faced with change, I immediately used my eating disorder as a coping mechanism, falling back into my perceived comfort of eating disorder behaviors to cope with the discomfort of the change encroaching on my life. And every time I was faced with change, I immediately fell into a trap of anxiety, prolonging my lifelong struggle with anxiety because I was never strong enough to stand up to my life instead of backing away from it.

There was one particular game changer in my life that convinced me that change needs to be embraced, that change cannot be avoided any longer. And that particular moment came when I signed away my first semester to a medical leave after not being capable of handling the change that comes with being a first semester college student. The ultimate change of moving into a dorm room, starting new classes, finding new friends, creating a new routine, becoming responsible for more aspects of my life than I ever even knew existed. And because I hadn’t come to terms with accepting, embracing, and thriving through change, my life began to fall apart to my eating disorder as I allowed it to be my coping skill through my first few weeks of college. So my life had decided to give me a big change for the better, a big change full of potential and opportunity and my future, and because I was still incapable of dealing with change, I threw away my first semester full of so much potential, so much opportunity, a semester that I can never get back. And because I was so afraid of the change that college brought and because I decided on using my eating disorder to cope with it, I brought upon myself another change in my life, and this time a negative change, this time the change of having to leave college to go back inpatient for the second time in a year. So in being afraid of change, I brought upon myself even more change than if I had just embraced the changing of life in the first place.

Seeing the ultimate sacrifice that resisting change brought upon me this past fall, I came to the conclusion that I was done with using my eating disorder as my tool to deal with change. Because, clearly, life is always changing, and clearly, using my eating disorder as an agent for coping only results in the inevitable spiral downwards of a relapse, usually resulting in an inpatient stay. I have clawed my way out of rock bottom countless times now, and many times as a result of using my eating disorder to cope with life, so why hadn’t I made the connection sooner that my eating disorder was far from the right tool to use to deal with my life? I finally was able to piece together the long overdue realization that life is full of change that wants and needs to be embraced in order for my life to continue on. And for my life to reach the potential it is meant to achieve. Change is uncomfortable. Change is difficult. But resisting change is also uncomfortable, and resisting change is also difficult, and resisting change prolongs the discomfort and difficulty and brings us further and further away from the life we are meant to live.

And so, with my newfound attitude about the changing nature of life, I entered my spring semester ready to conquer because I knew that I had the strength to accept, embrace, learn from, and thrive in my new attempt at college. And what do ya know, I made it through the semester, embracing the change every step of the way, coming out on the other side in a place of recovery that I have never experienced before. A place in my life I had never lived before. A place of freedom and joy and recovery. The place I was meant to live in.

And as I have come to learn, change is ever-present in our lives, and just when I think I have reached a break, a place to become complacent and comfortable in, life always seems to throw a new change my way. But I am now equipped with the right attitude to walk head on into the change rather than running away from it in fear, and so I have begun the process of living my life rather than avoiding it. Life is meant to be lived. Not feared.

You may be wondering what inspired me to write this post, why this, why now. And the reason lies in the fact that these past few weeks have been full of a variety of changes in my life, a variety of changes that had the potential of being difficult, stressful, and upsetting, but also had the potential of being happy, life-changing, and full of opportunity.

In the past few weeks, life has handed me two major changes. Change number one came when I had to send my boyfriend off on a 50 day boat trip as part of his college education. And change number two came when I started my new job as an assistant group leader at Camp Sunrise, a summer camp for special needs children. Two changes that altered my life significantly but also brought in strength and courage and knowledge about myself. And because I approached these two major life changes with my new mindset, a mindset that allowed me to see that change is an essential part of life and change is meant to be embraced, learned from, and thrived in, I successfully navigated the changes with grace and strength, and most importantly, without using my eating disorder. And because I chose to leave my eating disorder in the past and chose to cope with the change by adapting and adjusting to the change, I have made it through the change with more strength and more recovery power than ever before.

Sending my boyfriend off thousands of miles away, knowing that it would be 50 days until I saw him again, with very limited contact in between, was an extremely difficult change for me to embrace. It wouldn’t be as easy as seeing him multiple times a week or texting him throughout the day or being able to call him if I was ever struggling or had something exciting to tell him or just wanted to talk and hear his voice. Now there was going to be miles of distance in between us, for not just a few days or weeks, but a few months, a distance and amount of time we had not experienced before. And so, I knew that this was going to be a difficult change to accept and embrace, and I continually asked myself how I was ever going to thrive through such a change when it was so difficult to see him leave?

But I changed around my mindset before I let it control me, and I began to tell myself and him just how happy I was that he was going to embark on such an amazing trip and experience for his career and his future, and I reminded myself that the distance was only temporary, that he would be back in time, and that our relationship would be made even stronger than we could ever imagine after having made it through both distance and time away from each other. This change was difficult, this change was uncomfortable, this change made me sad, but I continued to push forward because I knew that is what he would want me to do and I knew that this was the best choice for my recovery and for my life. Our final good-bye before he left for his trip was one of the most difficult moments I have had to experience, but although it was difficult, I chose to keep my positive mindset in the forefront of my mind and to continue moving forward in my life and my recovery by accepting and embracing the change, knowing that this was an amazing experience full of so much potential and opportunity for him, so I chose to be happy for him rather than sad for me. It is all in the way that we approach change that determines how we will make it through the change, whether we will merely just survive or whether we will thrive.

Shortly after change one, I was approached with change two, starting my new job as a camp counselor at Camp Sunrise. This change was exciting and full of opportunity but also left me feeling anxious and overwhelmed, as I would be in a position of great responsibility, and I would be completely changing around my schedule, including my daily routine and my meal times, which was particularly distressing for me. And there were two ways that I could have approached this change. I could have held on to the anxiety and overwhelming feelings, just surviving, or I could hold on to the excitement and opportunities that camp was about to bring me, thriving through the change.

And because I knew that I wanted to be the best counselor I could be, and because I knew that I wanted to continue on my path of recovery, I chose the latter, and I approached camp with all the excitement in the world, knowing that this opportunity had the ability to impact my life in some of the best ways possible. Instead of letting myself get overwhelmed at my change in schedule, using my eating disorder to cope with my anxiety, I chose to adapt to the change, planning ahead as to how I was going to navigate my new schedule, including planning out meals and planning out my daily routine around work so that I could continue my recovery without letting it get influenced by my new responsibilities. It was very possible for me to throw my hands up and let myself drown in the business and stress of the day, using restriction as a way to cope, but I knew exactly where that would lead, and I knew better than to let my eating disorder take the reigns. So I began my new job with the mindset that this was going to be a job full of opportunity, this job was going to positively influence my life and my recovery, and this job was my opportunity to give back to the world, to help others, and to completely dedicate myself to making this summer the best summer for the campers.

And because I began my new job with this mindset, I made it through the week, not just surviving, but thriving, helping not just the campers, but myself. This job has been such a positive influence to my recovery, giving me a sense of purpose, and helping me to see my worth as I am able to help others. And because I began this job with a positive attitude, embracing the change, I have made it through to the other side with more strength and recovery power than I have ever felt before.

And not only was starting camp a good opportunity for me to practice my new approach to change, but every day at camp serves as an opportunity because every day at camp is different, full of new challenges to conquer, new opportunities to learn from, new experiences to gain. And because every day is a change, I get the opportunity to strengthen my outlook on life and practice my ability to approach change in a positive light each and every day, solidifying my mindset and ensuring that I never return to my eating disorder as a tool to cope with change.

But wait, I didn’t just stop there. Because the only way you get better at something is by practicing, so I have stepped even further outside of my comfort zone and brought change upon myself. I have begun to change up many of the things in my life that I had fallen into complacency with, knowing that by creating my own change, by changing my life up a little, I would get even better at handling change by getting more and more used to it. Changes such as what I eat, when I eat, where I eat. Changes such as trying out a new look and practicing self care by cutting off a few inches of my hair. Changes such as combating years worth of OCD behaviors and challenging them at every chance I can get. Changes such as changing up my daily routine every day, getting used to doing things in a different order, at different times, and in different ways. Changes such as spur of the moment decisions to pick up Chipotle after work or getting an ice cream from the ice cream truck or dressing up just to go out in town. All of my changes have brought so much life back into my life, life that I had been missing out on for so long because I was too afraid to change things up. This is what real life is like. This is what letting yourself live really means.

Life is ever-changing. We can continue to view change as difficult. We can can continue to tell ourselves that change sucks. We can continue to hide from change and use negative coping skills to deal with it.

But the only way we are going to strengthen up to live the lives that we are meant to live is by changing our mindset, by viewing change as an opportunity to thrive, an opportunity towards new experiences, an opportunity that our life is offering us. As soon as we start to accept, embrace, learn from, and thrive through change, we will be well on our way to letting ourselves live our lives.

It is our choice. And it is our life. It is or job to be ready to take life as it comes. So are you willing to change the way you view change?

Because ready or not… here life comes.