Good-bye, Ed

A Letter to My Eating Disorder

Dear Ed,

I just read your letter, pleading me to let you stay, to take back your friendship, to save you. And I know exactly how you are hoping I react, exactly what you are hoping I say. And I know exactly what your goal is, even though you tried to cover it up so well with your masterfully planned promises.

But I have changed. I have grown. And I have gained my own voice back.

And what I am about to say is everything but what you are expecting, everything but what you would like to hear, and everything that I have been too weak to say these past ten years but have finally become strong enough to say.

The first thing I am going to say to you is this.

You are wrong.

Everything about you is wrong. Everything you say is wrong. Everything you do is wrong. Everything you want to do to me is wrong.

And not only are you wrong. You are awful, deceitful, evil, life-destroying, deadly, and abusive. You are manipulative, hostile, self-centered, cruel, torturous, and belittling. You are a liar, a monster, a devil, an enemy. You are my worst enemy. And I hate you.

You have spent ten years lying to my face, convincing me that you know best, that you hold the key to my success, my happiness, and my life, when in reality, you have been using these lies to destroy me from the inside out, reducing my body and mind to nothingness with the ultimate goal of killing me. Every single thing you have said to me has been a lie. Not one bit of truth has exited your evil mouth.

I can’t believe it has taken me this long to realize the falseness of your promises and your demands. I can’t believe I have fallen for your friendship, your power, and your command when all along you have only wished to kill me. And I can’t believe you could be so evil, so hate-filled, and so torturous that you would wish to kill me. What did I ever do to you?

I can’t believe I have wasted ten years in a relationship with an abuser, a killer, and have let you strip me of countless opportunities, irreplaceable time, and my precious life. You have taken me away from me, and that is something I can never, ever forgive you for. And I can never forgive you for the countless acts of torture, abuse, and murder attempts you have put me through. I can never forgive you for your existence. For ever stepping foot into my life. I can and will never forgive you.

Instead of being a ten year old with no worries in the world, playing outside, laughing my heart out, eating ice cream and cookies and candy, not giving any thought to my size or shape or weight, you took hold of me and made you your prisoner, forcing me to worry about every calorie I put into my body, every gram of fat I consumed, every pound I gained or lost, forcing me to obsess over exercise and my image staring back at me in the mirror and the amount of fat on my stomach and thighs. “Too much,” you’d say, “too fat, too ugly, too much Michelle in the world.” “Why don’t you listen to me?” you’d whisper in an enticing, soft, and inviting voice. And at ten years old, just an innocent, naive little child, I fell deep into your control. And you are absolutely terrible and evil for preying on such a young and harmless target.

Once you had me in your control, you only made your voice stronger, your lies more appealing, and your commands more persistent. Instead of letting me be a normal teenager with normal teenage problems, you added in your own to my life, forcing me to handle not only the typical stressors that accompany life, but the stress of failing health, hospitalizations, tube feedings, months of treatment, countless appointments, family tension, incredibly low self confidence and self esteem, panic attacks, depression, and obsessive, irrational thoughts.

For ten years, instead of being able to go out and eat a hamburger or a piece of pizza or chicken nuggets, ice cream, or popcorn, I was held captive under your rules surrounding food and calories which forced me to pass up the offer of delicious food, the opportunity to participate in one of the many joys in life, and leaving me with awkward stares and hesitant questions about what was wrong with me. Instead of being able to sit down and enjoy a meal with family or friends, you drowned me in panic as you threatened what you would do to me if I completed the meal, and I suffered through countless meals, countless arguments, and countless pleas from others attempting to save me from declining health. Instead of being able to wear summer clothes with confidence, go swimming in a bikini, take pictures and selfies and enjoy them, look in the mirror with confidence, walk through the hallways with my head held high, participate in sports, eat what I want when I want, sleep in and nap, or worry about anything other than food or weight or exercise, I was held captive to your screaming, to your demands, to your death sentence for me. I was held captive to a monster.

For so long, I was terrified of what you would do to me if I ever failed to follow your commands, if I ever started to make my own decisions and stick up for myself. I lived my life paralyzed in fear of your retaliation, of the wrath you would fight back with. And so I forced myself to believe your lies and your demands and your false promises for my life because the more time that passed, the stronger you became and the more believable you seemed. I wasted so many years of my life in allegiance to your power, hoping that you would bring me to the success, happiness, attention, control, and life I desired, when the only goal you had in mind was my murder and death. I fell into the hands of a killer. You.

The control you promised me? That only resulted in my complete loss of control, to parents, medical professionals, and institutions attempting to repair the deathly damage you left on my mind and body. The attention you promised me? That only resulted in pity, negative attention, and people looking down on me as I wasted away, people feeling badly for my inability to help myself, and absolutely no one looking up to me and giving me the positive attention that comes with living my actual life. The success you promised me? That only resulted in the ultimate failure of losing myself to you, just nearly escaping death multiple times, bringing extreme amounts of stress and pain to my family and friends, missing out on the ultimate joys of life, wasting countless hours worrying instead of living, and reducing me to nothingness instead of raising me up to the fullness of my mind, body, and potential. The life you promised me? That only resulted in standing at death’s door not just once but multiple times, and the rest of the time, you have only made my life living hell. You promised me that being thin would be the key to my life. And there is nothing that has ever been farther from the truth than that evil and deathly lie.

Because being thin did the exact opposite. Being thin brought my life closer to death, riddening my life with countless health problems and health scares, tearing my body down with pain, suffering, and exhaustion, making me too weak to even save my own self. Being thin landed me in a hospital for more than days, more than weeks, for months, and not just once, but five times. Five times too many. Being thin placed me in treatment for years, missing out on countless memories, experiences, and opportunities that come with being healthy. Being thin left my mind a swirling, obsessive, torturous, irrational, depressed, delusional battleground, bloodied up with the wounding power of your deathly screams. Being thin left me more insecure, left my body image more negative than ever, reduced my confidence to nothingness, made me feel fatter and fatter the more weight I lost, and made me feel completely, utterly worthless. Being thin made me lifeless, lacking all energy, motivation, power, and hope to engage in opportunities, create memories, experience the world, interact with others, and live my life. Being thin took Shell away from the world and replaced her with a dying corpse of a skeleton.

Being thin has proven to be the absolute last thing that leads me to my life. And being thin has always proven to be temporary, because no matter how hard you try to keep me going lower, the people in my life who actually care about me step in and restore me to the health and happiness you try to rob me of. The thinness that you push me toward is not sustainable, not sustainable of life, of happiness, of success, of absolutely anything. Because you desire zero. And zero is impossible.

Each time I have given in to you, allowing you to control my life, I have given you additional ammunition to use against me. I have assisted you in my own murder, loading the gun you point to my head, my body, and my life. I have stood, paralyzed in fear, unable to move or think for myself, as you hold the gun just inches from my most vulnerable body parts, threatening that if I don’t lose the fat, anything excess to bone, you will pull the trigger. The more I have listened to you, the more I have allowed you to believe that I put you above everything else, that I put your opinion and commands on a pedestal upon which I fall idol to, that I will never leave your grip, never fight against your power, never turn my back on you.

You have held me captive in my own prison of a life. Instead of giving me the key to my life that you promised, you took the key to the prison you created to hold me hostage, locking me inside and stealing the key away into your own terrible darkness. You have allowed me to stare out through the bars and watch as my life passes me by, as the rest of the world lives out their own dreams in their own freedom, enjoying the countless joys of life, while I sit shivering in terror and pain too afraid to even imagine the life that I could be living outside these prison walls in fear that you will pull the trigger on me for desiring anything other than the realm of torture you have designed for me.

You have bound my hands in shackles, my legs are tied down by chains, my mouth is taped shut. And for years, I have been too afraid, too scarred, too exhausted to possibly fight back against your death grip, your death sentence, your locked and loaded gun.

But today, I stand in front of you with all the strength, courage, and fearlessness in the world, staring back into your black, hollow, deathly eyes, not afraid to speak my mind, to stand strong for myself, and to talk back to the monster that has tried to kill me for ten years too long. Little did you know, but your attempts to kill me only made me stronger, helping me build up the strength necessary to fight for my own life, to fight to bring Shell back into this world. So it looks like your master plan backfired on you, because here I stand, ready to fight back, and not just fight back, to kill the monster that has tried so desperately to kill me.

You have equipped me with an arsenal of anger, frustration, determination, strength, and courage, with a desire to take my life back, doing whatever it might take to live the life I have been deprived of for far too long. So now it is my turn to take control.

And my first step in taking back control is by letting you know that we are never, ever getting back together. Never. Ever. Again. Will I allow you back into my life. Just give up the fight now. There is no point in prolonging your agonizing fight to win me back because you will never win again.

Little did you know, and little did I know until just recently, but you left the spare key to my prison cell within the cell, hidden in the darkness of the corner, waiting to be found. And just recently, I have found the key, and have discovered that it is capable of opening the door to the cell I have been held within for ten long, painful years. All along, the key to escaping your prison has been within my reach. But it has taken me the strength and courage to look around, to search hard for a way out, and to discover my life saving key, in order to save myself and take my life back into my own hands. I am letting myself out of your prison.

And I am not afraid because I have stripped you of all your ammunition that used to keep me paralyzed in fear. You cannot hurt me. You cannot kill me. You have nothing to use against me anymore. Because I will not listen to you. I will not believe any of the lies you scream my way. I will not follow any of your commands. You have nothing. You are nothing.

You are a monster. And there are not enough words in this world to describe how much I hate you for ruining not only my life, but the lives of those around me, for ten years too long. I hate you more and more each day, and you stand no chance of ever gaining my trust, obedience, or friendship again. I am taking my life back and letting Shell live again. And only one of us can live.

So say good-bye to your existence, because you and Shell cannot coexist. Shell can love and smile and laugh and live unconditionally. Shell can eat and enjoy and be free. Shell can shine brighter than the sun. Shell can make an incredible difference in this world. And nothing can stop her. Nothing will stop her.

I hate you, Ed. Every ounce of me despises you and your existence. So this is my official good-bye. This is my official determination of your non-existence. This is your official end.

Good-bye Ed.

Your former prisoner,

Shell