A Goodbye Letter to My Sick Body

Dear Anorexic Michelle,

This is a difficult letter to write, a difficult goodbye to say, especially because we have built up a very strong and close relationship over the past ten years. I have looked up to you for years, and you have always acted as a role model for me, a figure, a persona that I strived each and every day to achieve. I desired your skinniness, I desired your curveless, shapeless figure, I desired your bones. I desired your less than size zero clothing, I desired your thigh gap, I desired your flat stomach. I desired the attention your body got you. I desired everything that my healthy body didn’t give me. And all the perfection you seemed to have so readily available.

But until now, I have been blind to the absolute falseness of the perfection you seem to flaunt, the confidence your body exudes, and the fulfillment you bring to my life. I have fallen into the trap of believing that your body is the key to success, the icon of perfection, the envy of society. But after years of attempting to achieve your body, I have come to the realization that you are the product of the lies of the eating disorder. That even when I do end up achieving you, I am only left farther than ever from the happiness, healthiness, and life I believed I would achieve. That everything I desired in you only leads me farther from my life, my happiness, and my success, and closer to my depression, my failure, and my death.

Every time I achieve your presence in my life, you seem to stay a little bit longer. You seem to make it a little bit harder to let you go. You come back with more and more reasons to stay, more and more reasons for me to keep you in my life. And this time, I have had an especially difficult time letting you go. Because each day you stay, the more attached I become to you, and the more difficult it is for me to imagine giving you up for a body I haven’t owned in over a year now. It is hard for me to even remember a time when your body wasn’t my body. And now it feels like I am ripping out a huge part of me as I make the decision to go my separate way.

You may be wondering why, after years of me idolizing you, caring for you, and welcoming you into my life, I am now making the decision to expel you from my life, caring for a different body, a healthier body, and ultimately ending your importance, influence, and existence within my life. And although this is difficult to say, to admit, and to believe, it is important that I be honest with you so that we can make this separation as smooth as possible.

The truth is that each and every day that I keep you in my life is a day taken away from my life, my future, and my true potential. Your existence in my life is deadly, you suck away all of the life, energy, and happiness I have to offer the world and replace it with a skeleton incapable of even caring for herself, let alone caring for others. You put me at risk for health problems in the present and health problems in the future that can strip me of all the possibility, life, and future I have ahead of me that I have worked so hard to build up. And quite honestly, you put me at the ultimate risk of death because your sickly, lifeless figure is incapable of supporting life. You make me less of a person in this world, literally and figuratively, and you don’t allow the world to see the real Shell that hides behind your existence. The real Shell wants to come out again, and unfortunately, she is competing for existence with you. Both of you cannot exist. And after thinking long and hard about my decision, I want Shell to exist. And that means I must say goodbye to you.

I’m exhausted when I am with you. And I hate being exhausted. I’m depressed when I am with you. And I hate being depressed. I’m anxious when I am with you. And I hate being anxious. I’m dull, lifeless, miserable, obsessive, distressed, angry, afraid, abnormal, guilty, helpless, overwhelmed, incapable, lifeless, and Shell-less when I am with you. And I hate being anything but Shell.

Your body, your figure, your persona has worn me down to the point where I cannot possibly go on living with the body you have given me. I have tried for days, months, years, to allow you to stay, to try to maintain a normal, functioning, happy life with you as my body, but as time has shown, it is impossible to have both you and my life. And I am ready to move on with my life, ready to get my real life back, and the only way to do that is to let you move on as well.

You are the byproduct of a monster in my head. You were not created by Shell. You were created by the eating disorder. And the eating disorder had a master plan of ruining my life with you as its weapon. We have been used, manipulated, and abused by a deathly disease, forced into becoming best friends at the expense of life, happiness, and possibility. And because our relationship has been forced by a monster, our relationship is toxic, doing both of us a major disservice and ultimately giving you false hope and me false life. The longer I hold on to you, the more you believe that our friendship truly is genuine and positive and compatible with life. And the longer I hold on to you, the more I become disenfranchised from my full, happy, healthy life, leading me to live a false life full of emptiness, sadness, and sickness. And therefore, the longer I hold on to you, the more of a disservice I am rendering to you and myself.

I am not going to kick you out of my life, push and shove you away, scream at you to leave me alone, treat you with disrespect or hatred or abuse. I am not going to pretend you never existed or ignore you. But I am also not going to allow you to remain in my life, take away my energy, happiness, and sense of self, and continue to remain my friend.

I am going to treat you with respect and gently ask you, with all of my strength and courage, to gather up your body and leave the presence of my life. I am going to remind you that this is not your fault, rather, it is the fault of the eating disorder who created you. I am going to let you know that this distance is necessary for the wellbeing of both you and me. You have tirelessly worked to serve me for ten years, and I must now do you the service of laying you to rest and end your tireless act of duty. So I am going to rest you down, say my goodbye, and allow you to drift away into nonexistence, knowing that this is for the best, that your end is my new beginning.

I know this is extremely difficult for you to hear. I know that this must feel like the ultimate betrayal. I know you must think I am a terrible, dishonest, unloyal, deceitful, heartless former friend who can think about no one but herself. But I beg you to believe me when I say that this is for the best. For both of us. And that I am only saying this goodbye so that we can both return to our proper places in life. And avoid hurting each other any further in the future.

So with my goodbye, I am putting you to rest alongside my sick clothes, my sick pictures, and my sick memories, detaching myself from my sickness and restoring my mind and body to health. And with one last wave goodbye, I will take a deep breath, close my eyes, and turn around to face the opposite direction, slowly walking away to let you rest in peace and to follow the life I was meant to live.

My healthy body is pleading, crying, begging to come back. And it is time that I must listen to its cries that I have silenced for days, months, and years too long. My healthy body is capable of cultivating the happiness, success, possibility and life I am meant to live. My healthy body is capable of fighting the eating disorder and freeing me of its chains. My healthy body is capable of making the biggest difference in this world, bringing limitless potential to my fingertips. And so my healthy body must become my new best friend.

With each and every bite I take, with each and every pound I gain, with each and every step closer to my healthy body, I am saying my goodbyes and sticking with my decision to separate myself from you and move towards my own life. Towards my own body. My body is not meant to look like you. My body is not meant to be a figure of bones, a shapeless, skeletal figure. My body is not meant to be on the verge of death, in constant agony, exhaustion, and sickness. My body is meant to be full of life, healthiness, love, and happiness. My body is meant to have curves, to reflect healthiness and life. My body is meant to save the lives of others rather than constantly trying to save my own life.

So it is time for me to lay you to rest, say my goodbye, and begin my journey back to health, happiness, and life. I hope that you understand the reasons behind my decisions and that this truly is for the best. And I hope that you understand I am doing this out of love, love for myself, love for my true, beautiful, healthy self.

I want my life back. I want my body back. And I never, ever want to lose my life or body again.

It has been a long ten years, and it is time for you to be put to rest.

So it is time to say goodbye. Rest in peace.

Sincerely,

Healthy Shell