Just Breathe

It was only until very recently that I realized what a moment without anxiety feels like. And just how incredibly calm, peaceful, and liberating that moment could be, just how rejuvenating and reenergized I felt, and just how free my mind could be. Because until that moment, I had been living my life in constant anxiety, in constant fear about literally everything in my life, from food to my body to being out in public to school and everything in between. But in that moment, I had found a way to break through that anxiety and live worry-free.

It took just one moment of freedom from my anxiety to realize that for my entire life, and that not being an exaggeration, I have lived with severe anxiety, each and every moment suffering from at least one trigger to my anxiety. And that both saddened me and frustrated me. To know that, until that moment, I had wasted away an unquantifiable amount of time and energy to being anxious, and most of the time, being anxious over unrealistic, irrational fears. My body and my mind have been tormented with constant surges of anxiety for as long as I can remember, never getting a break to breathe in a breath of peace and calm and tranquility, never getting a chance to see and live in this world of beauty because it was too clouded with the darkness of fear.

It also took just one moment of freedom from my anxiety to realize that all my life, I have been holding on to my anxiety. And it was only when, in that moment, I chose to try letting my anxiety go, to try letting my body live and letting my mind be free, that I realized I had been holding on to my anxiety all along. All those years, those moments, those experiences, those opportunities that I could have lived through without anxiety, I had chosen to hold on to something that only served to tear me apart and wear me down. Instead of just letting go of something I knew was so terrible for me, I persisted my pain, my suffering, my distress.

And this realization brought up a few very important questions that I began to ask myself. Why have I held on to something for so long despite knowing of the pain and distress it constantly puts my body through? Was I even aware until that moment of freedom that I was holding on to something so detrimental to my wellbeing? And what would life be like if I started to let go more often, if I started to let go completely? And just how wonderful is this world through a clear lens, through a lens free from anxiety?

I was both surprised and also expecting to see that many of these questions paralleled many of the questions I have asked myself regarding my eating disorder. And as a result, many of the answers that I came up with were answers I had given before in regards to my eating disorder. So let’s start with the first question. Why have I held on to my anxiety for so long when I know how inherently bad it is for my mind and my body? And the answer is, because for so long, I have viewed my anxiety as a security blanket, as something I knew well and even though it was painful and distressing, it was known and predictable, and therefore more comfortable than the unknown of approaching a situation calmly. Because what if I let my anxiety go? What if I stopped worrying about everything? Would I start to miss things and allow bad things to start happening in my life because I know longer worried about them? I was too worried that by worrying less about things, the world would automatically turn against me into a raging storm of badness and unpredictability and instability. So I felt compelled to hold on to my anxiety so that my life remained in check and my life remained predictable. If I worried about everything, then there wasn’t anything that would come my way that I wouldn’t be expecting.

And onto the next question: was I even aware that I was holding onto my anxiety until that moment of freedom when I subconsciously decided to let go? The answer is an honest no. During that moment free from anxiety, I had to stop everything I was doing and savor the moment, because it was such a foreign yet amazing feeling that I had never experienced before yet wanted to experience for the rest of my life. Until that moment, I had been unconsciously holding on to my anxiety because I somewhere, deep down, made the connection, even though it was a false connection, that my anxiety was a more comfortable place to live in than a life with no anxiety. And whenever I formed that connection, it stuck and never left, meaning that my mind was consciously anxious in an effort to please my anxiety disorder that promised I would be more prepared for life if I believed all of its fears. So for years and years, I lived in constant anxiety because I associated this with being prepared for life. And as a child who faced two parents and a twin sister who battled cancer all in the course of a few years, I had quickly learned that life can be a scary thing to deal with. Naturally, being so young and naive when I had to face such traumatic life experiences, I came to believe that since so many scary things had happened in such a short amount of time, that could only mean they would continue to happen and may even worsen as I got older. And so I traded in my real security blanket for anxiety, which became my new security blanket.

And unfortunately, ever since, I have wrapped myself up in that security blanket, not even knowing that I had it draped over my back with my arms grasping onto it so desperately. The feeling of false security had become so natural to me that instead of turning towards positive coping skills to deal with the stressors of life, I remained underneath my blanket, wandering through life blinded by constant anxiety, not even being able to see that there was a very simple way out. To just let go of the blanket and trust that life would respect me and welcome me back into its beauty.

Because little did I know that, all along, I was honestly bringing on more of the negative experiences into my life by worrying about them. Many times more than not, whatever I chose to worry about was never and was never going to be an issue or affect my life, but because I had chosen to worry about it, it immediately became an issue in my life and by paying unneeded attention to it, it often progressed into a negative experience that I had to deal with. If I had chosen in the first place to let go of my anxiety and allow myself to navigate through my life as it came to me, I would no longer be bringing in issues into my life before they ever had any intention of bothering me. Maybe if I started trusting life, believing in it before jumping to conclusions, it would return the favor, treating me with respect and maybe even happiness and positivity. And the only way to find out would be in giving life a shot without anxiety as my security blanket. And trusting that everything, really, is going to be okay.

By stopping my tendency to worry about every little thing in my life, I will be clearing my vision of its blindness, opening my eyes to everything in my life that doesn’t need to be worried about, everything that is so beautiful and happy and full of life and love and enjoyment. Life really does have a lot to offer if we let it. But anxiety is only acting against us in the journey towards life because it taints our vision of the past, present, and future, making us dread the journey rather than enjoy it.

And this is all in our control. We decide whether we want to be anxious or not. And this was not easy for me to understand or believe until my breakthrough moment just recently. For so long, I was my disorder. I was my anxiety, and I used this as my excuse as to why I was holding on to my anxiety and constantly choosing to be anxious. I used the excuse “I have anxiety” as a band-aid that only prevented me from seeing that I could make the decision to let go of my anxiety at any point. That I could choose to just let stuff go, to just let life happen, and to just roll with the punches. So until just a few days ago, I convinced myself that my anxiety was out of my control. But with just one moment of letting go and living free, I know that all along, I was convincing myself of a lie. This is in my control. I choose what I worry about. And I choose what I don’t worry about. Do I really want to keep choosing the path that only leads me away from the life I could be living? Or do I want to hold onto that breakthrough moment, learning from it, and ultimately creating a lasting version of the peace, calmness, and freedom that I briefly felt?

It’s a difficult disorder to let go of, however, because the anxiety makes you anxious about not being anxious. But in order to ultimately let go of anxiety, at least as best you can, you must be willing to experience that initial anxiety and trust that it will pass and you will reach that breakthrough moment that feels better than you could have ever imagined. And you won’t just reach it. You will keep it. And you will start holding onto that feeling of calmness and peacefulness and joy that permeated through that moment. We all deserve to live our lives in a state of peacefulness and joy, and in order for us to truly live the life we deserve, we must learn to let go.

Life is meant to be lived. Not predicted and assumed and worried about. Truly living means truly letting life into our lives. Whatever that may bring towards us. Because we can handle whatever life throws at us. We are capable. And we are strong. And we are equipped with everything we need to conquer the life ahead of us. So if we begin to believe this, that we are strong, capable, prepared warriors in this world we live in, we can set out on our journey for our life, embracing its presence with each step forward we take.

And there is one key way, one particular tool, that we can use to make this process of letting go easier for us. And this tool is breathing.This is the technique that initially brought on my breakthrough moment and inspired this post in the first place. You may be thinking that this is kind of a no-brainer, we obviously have to breathe to live. But I am talking more than breathing. I am talking deep breaths that fill past the lungs, that fill the core, the stomach, the brain, the soul, that reach the deepest depths of your mind and body, that clear your body and mind of the toxic waves of fear and anxiety, that silence the screaming voices of irrationality and abuse. I am talking about not just taking in these breaths, but paying attention to them with full, undivided attention, following the breath as it enters your body and joining it as it travels throughout your body, as it relieves the tension and anxiety and toxicity. And this step is important. Because as you pay attention to the breath, you realize its capability of relieving the anxiety and tension that has taken over your body, and you assist it in its function of releasing this tension as you focus it towards the toxicity you wish to release. You are the guide. The breath will follow you.

For the longest time, I have always waved off the concept of deep breathing and have rarely believed that breathing could possibly help me. I mean, how could something that I do every day suddenly turn into my life-saving tool against the beast of anxiety? And with that mentality, I continued on with my shallow, just barely life-sustaining breaths that did nothing more than fill my lungs to the minimum, not even coming close to filling my core, my body, and my mind. And it was only when I decided to give that deep, focused breath a try that I realized just how powerful the breath can be. And just how quickly it can ease the powerful beast of anxiety. In that moment that I took my first deep, focused breath, and as I followed it as it filled deep into my body and mind, I noticed the breath create a clearing of calm as it passed through, returning my body to a state of peace that it had not felt in years. That one single deep breath, by creating calm in my body and mind, showed me just how tense and anxious my body had been for so long. Without that breath, I would still be in the darkness of my anxiety, not even aware that the anxiety was the reason for all my pain, suffering, and discomfort.

But because I have taken that first breath, that deep, focused, clarifying breath, I have learned of its importance, and I have begun to implement it into my life at every chance I can get. As soon as I feel myself escalating in anxiety, from whatever trigger it may have come from, I catch myself and pause. And then I take a deep, focused breath and let the magic happen. And much to my delight, this breath has brought me back, time and time again, to that moment of peace, calmness, and clarity. That moment that allows me to truly be a part of my life as it is happening, that truly allows me to live.

And not only have I begun this type of breathing when I am stressed, but I have been practicing it even in moments when I feel calm. Because much to my surprise, in many times that I believe I am calm and collected, there is still anxiety brewing deep below the surface that needs to be cleared. I have become so immune to my anxiety that I often times don’t even realize that my anxiety is building up. And this becomes a problem when the anxiety builds up so much that the only way I realize its presence is while I am standing on the edge of a panic attack. So this deep, focused breathing is important not just when I know the anxiety is present, but all the time, acting as a clearing technique and a preventative technique for future anxiety.

“Just breathe” has become my mantra to myself, day in and day out, severe anxiety or mild anxiety. Because in just breathing, I remind myself to temporarily pause, to focus all my energy in and towards my breath, and to let the breath do its magic. In that moment, it is essential that I just focus on my breathing and nothing else to allow my mind and body to clear into that breakthrough moment. And to keep that breakthrough moment.

My goal is to not just temporarily stay in my breakthrough moments, away from my anxiety. My goal is to learn myself well enough and practice my skills with all my dedication so that I can permanently live in those breakthrough moments, completely recovering from my anxiety. I want to completely live my life, letting go and letting my life live. And the only way for that to happen is to drop my anxiety as a security blanket and to choose to let my wings free, to be exposed to the beauty of the life I have to live, and to fly forward into the life that awaits me, peacefully and fearlessly.

My anxiety has taken over my life for far too long. I have defined myself as my anxiety disorder for far too long. I have held on to my anxiety as my only security for far too long.

So now it is time to just breath, to let go, to fly free, and to let myself live my life.

Because life is meant to be lived. Life is meant to be loved. Life is meant to be enjoyed.

And so I am on a mission to let my life into my life. And not let anything stand in the way.