This is a Judgment-Free Zone

This is a Judgment-Free Zone

From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, I am bombarded with the same fears. How is the world going to perceive my body today? Are they going to pick out an extra flaw today, silently judge me a little harder than yesterday, see me as a little bit fatter, a little bit uglier, a little bit more disgusting? And what about my body? Had it changed overnight? Had fat filled in the places I feared the most? Were my thighs wider, cheeks rounder, stomach fatter, arms thicker? Could I still fit in all my clothes? Would I even recognize myself as I looked in the mirror? Would I even be able to look in the mirror? Would I even have the strength to get out of bed? Or would it be easier to just avoid the world and hide under the covers, hoping that my body would just disappear?

Every morning. The same fears. The same painful trek to the mirror. The same bleary eyes that distort the image in the mirror and feed the eating disorder nasty lies. The same bullying of my body, full of hatred messages and insults, taunting and criticism.

The same decision to wear clothes that hide my figure from the rest of the world. The same drive to school in fear of encountering thousands of judging eyes. The same distress on campus as I walk past countless other students, fearing the thoughts about my body that race through their heads, wishing I could hide in the darkness of my own shadow. The same drive home, ruminating over all the possible judgments that could have been made about me, my body, and my disgusting, fat, worthless self.

And all because of the same, completely irrational, completely neurotic, completely unreasonable obsession I have about how others perceive me and my body.

Every single one of these fears I have stems from one source. My idolization of the opinions of other people. My preoccupation with how other people view my body. And not just how they view it, how they judge it and what they think of it.

But not once have I stopped to consider one major point. Why do I care so much what other people think? Why do I let the opinions of others, opinions that I cannot even see or hear, opinions that I have no idea whether they even exist, opinions that affect me in no way whatsoever, rule my life and turn my life into a torturous, fear-filled danger zone? Why do I value the opinion of others over my own opinion, the only opinion I have control over and the only opinion I know to be true?

In reality, I am attempting to control something that I have no evidence of existing, have no way of knowing whether it exists, and in all honesty, should have no reason of caring whether it exists. I am attempting to control the minds of others, a feat that is absolutely impossible, especially when I have enough trouble controlling my own mind.

And stemming off of this point, how do I know that the person I passed a minute ago even put any thought into my appearance, gave any judgement to my size, or made any opinion of me whatsoever? What makes me so special anyway? Why do I think that I am the center of attention with all eyes on me? Why do I think that anyone would care what my weight or size is, whether I weighed ten pounds, twenty pounds, or even fifty pounds more, whether I was lean and toned, whether I had a thigh gap, or whether I have a six-pack?

Because in all honesty, each and every person is most likely just as concerned about how others are perceiving them that they are too preoccupied with their own worries to even have time to judge anyone else. In a culture that places so much emphasis on physical appearance and how we compare to everyone around us, it is extremely difficult not to fall into this trap of concern and preoccupation as to how the surrounding world views us. We are all spinning in our heads, worried about the opinion of others, thinking that everyone else is out to judge us, when in reality, we are the ones who are most concerned with our physical appearance and its perceived flaws.

But even if every single person in this world were judging me, why should I care? Why should I care what they think of me? Why should I care if they like my legs, stomach, cheeks, arms, etc.? Why should I care if they think I am pretty or ugly, fat or thin? What does there opinion of me do for me? How will it ever affect me? And how will it contribute to my life as a whole?

The answer is it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t affect me. And it will never affect me.

Right now, I am choosing to let something that will in no way affect me, affect me. But that is about to change. Because I am tired of living my life in fear. Of living my life under the power of judgment. The power of opinion.

If I want control so bad, then why am I so willing to give it up and let the opinions of others completely control my life, my happiness, and my freedom? My life, my happiness, and my freedom can be one hundred percent within my control if I make just one change. And start putting my self-acceptance, self-love, and self-care in front of me and the opinions of others behind me. Because this is my life. And I am going to live my life the way I want to in the healthy body I want to, and if that isn’t good enough, pretty enough, or worth it enough for someone, then they are not worthy of being in my life and sharing in the authentic happiness, healthiness, love, and compassion my body is capable of exuding.

Not only am I tired of living my life under the power of opinion, but I am tired of living my life under the power of appearance. Letting my physical appearance rule my happiness and self-worth. Letting my physical appearance determine my success and capability. Letting my physical appearance be the all-important factor of my body as a whole when Shell is So. Much. More. Than just an outward appearance. Shell is not just the shell of a body. Shell is a kind, caring, compassionate, determined, intelligent, opportunistic, capable, bright, sparkling, bubbly, fun, loving, HAPPY daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, nurse, author, and speaker to be. Shell is so much more than her body. So it is time to allow Shell to shine through by freeing her from the chains of judgment, the chains of superficial anxieties, the chains of physical appearance, and allowing her to live her full, true, beautiful life.

We care so much about what other people think of us that we give away all of our happiness, self compassion, and self love to the hands of opinion. What would happen if we just turned our focus inward and cultivated the TRUE opinion, unmasked by the perceptions, standards, and expectations of the world, that we hold of ourselves? I think we might be pleasantly surprised and relieved with an overwhelming sense of peace, compassion, and freedom as we break ourselves from the chains of judgment and begin to live our lives according to our deepest and truest desires. According to what WE want and not what we think others want of us. Because the only way to true happiness is in following our hearts to our futures, and if we let the opinions of others stand in our way, we will never truly be satisfied and find the life we were truly meant to live. We need to start living in a judgment- free zone.

Too many times, I have stopped myself from living the life I want to live in fear that I will be judged by others. I have resorted to hiding from myself and from the world in fear of being rejected and reminded of all my flaws and failures.

And now it is time to stop stopping myself. And start letting myself. Start letting myself live in a judgment-free zone. Living in a way where no judgment, from myself or from others, can stand in my way. Letting myself live MY life. In MY healthy body. In MY healthy, happy, and beautiful recovery.

My body is my body. And my healthy body is beautiful. Capable. Strong. And worth it. It is a vessel for an incredible life-saver and world-changer. So who is anyone, including myself, to judge the appearance of my body when the amount of life, possibility, and beauty it holds outside and within is capable of changing the world?

And my life is my life. I have the power to live the best life full of possibility, happiness, freedom, and recovery. I have the power to feed my body and mind with whatever it desires, give all of my heart out to others, walk through life with confidence and fearlessness, say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done to change our world for the better, spread smiles and laughter wherever I go, and show others that self love and recovery are beautiful, possible, and so incredibly empowering. So who is anyone to judge my life, my happiness, and my beautiful way of living?

Welcome to my judgment-free zone. Where I live in fearless capability of a full life of happiness, healthiness, and freedom.