From Patient to Nurse

I opened my car door and sank into the driver’s seat, exhaustion settling in as my Monday came to a close. I shut my eyes and took a deep inhale, letting the air flow in and out with enough force to clear my mind for at least a few moments. Just as I was about to turn the car on and start my trek home, I heard the chime of my phone indicating an email had just arrived in my inbox. Figuring it was just another typical spam email from the thousands of websites that have somehow obtained my email address, I almost proceeded to continue on with starting the car, but I had a nagging feeling that there was something important about this email.

So, I took my hand off the keys and pulled my email up on my phone. I clicked my UCONN email and saw that one new email had made its way into the inbox. And the subject caught my eye. “Major change petition status”. My heart nearly stopped. Was this the email I had been waiting for for weeks? Was this the email that was about to spill out my fate? Was this the email determining the next step on my path in life? There was only one way to find out. And that was by gathering up the courage to open the email.

I closed my eyes. And opened the email. Only a few words were spelled out on the page. Please see attached documents. How many steps are they going to make me go through to find out my fate? The anxiety seared through my body, pulsing through every inch of me, as I gathered up the courage to reveal the answer on the other side of the document. And when I couldn’t wait any longer, I held my breath, closed my eyes, and opened the document.

And as I forced myself to open my eyes, one word popped out of the document.

Congratulations.

And in that moment, an overwhelming sense of happiness, relief, excitement, and peace filled my body, replacing the prior anxiety and tension that had characterized my emotions for months. Tears immediately filled my eyes, sobs escaped my body, and I rested my head on the steering wheel, allowing myself to sob and be present for each and every second of this happiness.

Through tear-filled eyes, I read the rest of the email, each and every sentence making my future that much more real. In just a few words, my whole life had changed. And my entire future had opened.

I am officially a UCONN nursing student. I am officially on my way to becoming a nurse. I am GOING to be a nurse. And I am on my way to conquering each and every one of my dreams.

For months, I have developed an intense passion for the nursing field and for using my experience with an eating disorder and journey towards recovery as a tool to save others struggling with the same deadly battle. And for months, I have researched and put countless hours of thought and energy into applying into the UCONN School of Nursing, making sure that I followed all of the necessary steps to have the best opportunity of getting accepted. And then weeks after applying, I waited and waited, constantly checking my email and the mailbox, anxiously awaiting a response regarding my application. And I was starting to lose hope, contemplating that maybe I had been rejected from the program and hadn’t received a letter yet because they had only sent out letters to those who had been accepted. And each day that passed, I fell a little bit deeper into a depression, fearing that all of the effort that I had put into my dream would not add up to an acceptance.

But March 26th, 2018 changed everything. March 26th, 2018 opened up my future. March 26th, 2018 opened up a direct path to my hopes and dreams, a direct path to my full, true, beautiful life in recovery.

I am now a nursing student. I am now on my way to saving lives. And so it is imperative that I save my own life and enter the full recovery that I know lies so close ahead of me in order to ensure that I can step through this window of opportunity I have been given and use it to the fullest of my ability. This is my turning point. With a window directly towards my dreams lying directly in front of me, there is no turning back. I must step forward and move towards the light of opportunity rather than backwards into the hands of the eating disorder, jeopardizing the possibility of losing this window and closing out the path I have worked so hard to pave. This is my moment to truly make the leap of faith. And I have never been more ready to grasp onto my life in recovery and fully achieve my dreams. This is my time to shine.

I am so incredibly grateful to have this opportunity at my fingertips. That the UCONN Nursing School has seen who I truly am and has been kind enough to want me as one of their own. And I am so incredibly grateful to each and every one of my supporters who have been here for me every step of the way, through my lowest and my highest moments, believing in me no matter what.

Seven months ago, I was taking a medical leave from college and returning to inpatient for the second time that year. I was being tube fed liquid nutrition by a plastic tube that snaked by through my body because I was too weak to fight for my own life. I was sitting around a table, eating my breakfast, and being watched by four UCONN nursing students who were performing their clinical at Rockville Hospital, observing us as if we were specimens in a lab. And I was at rock bottom, filled with exhaustion, humility, defeat, pain, and hopelessness.

Today, I am a student at UCONN, studying hard to achieve grades I am proud of. I am working each and every day not just to succeed in my academics, but to succeed in my recovery, taking steps forward every day to kill the eating disorder and save Shell. And most importantly, I am not just a student at UCONN, I am now a nursing student at UCONN, pursuing my dream to become a psych nurse and use my experience of saving myself to save others. And I am headed towards the best possible future, MY best possible future, filled with happiness, fulfillment, strength, courage, and hope.

Today, I am NOT a patient. I am a nurse in training. And I am saving Shell so she can save countless others.