Stop Thinking and Start Thinking

Stop Thinking and Start Thinking

*This post does include talk of a behavior that I have been struggling with, so I am putting up a disclaimer to protect your recovery. As always, know your limits*

The solution is to stop thinking and start thinking.

Seems paradoxical, right?

How could stopping and starting the same course of action possibly lead to a positive outcome?

The answer lies in what exactly is being stopped and what exactly is being started. Because not all thoughts are equal, and most certainly, not all thoughts are helpful to our overall health and wellbeing. With thoughts directly impacting our actions, it is imperative that we target the harmful, self-destructive, obsessive, and many times, irrational, thoughts that aim to tear us down and replace them with self-compassionate, rational, recovery-oriented thoughts aimed to bring us up. Because the only way we can stop thinking the thoughts of the eating disorder is to challenge them and think the opposite.

The solution to recovery is to stop thinking the thoughts of the eating disorder and start thinking the rational, healthy thoughts conducive of a life in recovery.

To stop thinking about every ounce of food, every calorie, every nutrient, as being the enemy.

And to start thinking about food as a nourishing, life-sustaining, delicious key to a full life.

To stop thinking about the number on the scale as a measure of worth, success, and beauty.

And to start thinking about the talents, personality, successes, and possibilities I hold as defining factors of my worth and success.

To stop thinking about every mile run, calorie burned, and step walked as necessary to give me the permission to eat, as necessary to give me the body I desire.

And to start thinking about every time I stand up to the temptation to exercise as a step towards freedom, normalcy, health, and time I can spend living the life I want to live.

To stop thinking about, counting, and keeping track of numbers: calories, nutrient amounts, weight, steps, miles, calories burned, etc.

And to start thinking about how little importance these numerical values hold if I dedicate myself to being the healthiest, happiest, freest version of myself.

To stop thinking about my body as fat, ugly, incapable, and undesirable.

And to start thinking about my body as a beautiful, capable, desirable figure with the ability to do amazing things.

To stop thinking that losing weight is a success.

And to start thinking that gaining and maintaining a healthy weight are true successes.

To stop thinking about what other people think of my body, my identity, and my life.

And to start thinking about the worth, possibility, and goodness I am capable of bringing to this world.

To stop thinking obsessively, irrationally, and self-critically.

To stop thinking according to the eating disorder.

And to start thinking recovery.

In order to be capable of thinking in a recovery-oriented way, we must be willing to make room for these positive thoughts by letting go of the negative ones the eating disorder attempts to inundate us with. Our brains only have so much capacity to function, make decisions, and interact with the world, so when we allow the eating disorder to control the thought processes of our brain, we allow the eating disorder to become our world. The eating disorder becomes the only thing we interact with, the only voice we listen to, the only thoughts we believe. And the longer we remain trapped in the world of the eating disorder, the more believable these thoughts seem. Yet the more irrational, obsessive, and self-destructive the thoughts become. And the harder it becomes to realize the obsessiveness, irrationality, and self-destructiveness of these thoughts. And ultimately, the harder it becomes to think the thoughts that will lead us to recovery.

We are constantly thinking. But very rarely thinking.

We are constantly thinking obsessively and irrationally, whatever the eating disorder forces us to believe.

But we are very rarely taking a step back, out from under the control of the eating disorder, and thinking about what is best for us and our recovery.

So, the first step in switching thinking from destructive to constructive is to pause, take a step back, and observe. Pause and take a moment to take a break from all thinking because thinking, especially with an eating disorder involved, can be exhausting and overwhelming. When you feel you are ready, take a step back and see the destructive thought as an outsider. Imagine yourself looking at the thought from all angles. Look at the thought without judgement of it or of yourself. And now we return to the process of thinking, but this time, thinking for recovery. Observe what the thought is saying and how this makes you feel. Is the thought a common thought or have you never experienced it before? What is the exact message that the thought brings into your mind? Does the thought produce anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, fear? How does your body feel as a response to these emotions?

And from here, we dig a little deeper. We analyze the thought. What triggered the thought to occur? When did you experience the trigger and how long have you been experiencing the thought? Did you catch it right away, or have you been struggling with it for a prolonged period of time? What behavior does this thought lead to? And what are the consequences of this behavior, both short term and long term? Are you willing to let this thought bring you farther from your ultimate goal of recovery?

And ultimately, we use our analysis of the thought to challenge the destructive thought with a constructive, recovery-oriented thought. Use the thinking that was just used to analyze the destructive thought to formulate a counterattack on the destructive voice of the eating disorder. And with this challenging thought, we combat the eating disorder one thought at a time, each time, weakening the voice of the eating disorder and strengthening the voice of recovery. This is not easy to do. In fact, this may be the hardest challenge you have to face. But until we stop thinking according to the eating disorder and start thinking according to recovery, we will be stuck in the world of pain and suffering developed by the eating disorder and held back from the world of happiness and strength developed by recovery.

Let's go through an example to practice and make this process more concrete. This is a personal thought pattern that I struggle with daily and hope to begin to conquer, so I hope that through this practice, I can move forward in my recovery and help as many others as I can to combat their own destructive thoughts.

Every morning, I wake up to the same inundation of thoughts. I must go for my run. I cannot do anything else until I have completed my run. My body will turn completely to fat if I don't run. I must run before I eat. My run is my key to success. Run. Run. Run.

And so, typically, I give in to this thought. The thought is so strong, so demanding, and so seemingly true that I cannot seem to challenge it. So today is the day to stop thinking this thought. And start thinking recovery. Let's start the process.

I pause. I take a deep breath and let my mind go blank. And then I open my eyes as my body calms. And from here, I take a step back and I look in on my thought, as an outsider. I see the thought coursing through my brain, taking up the majority of my brain, blocking out all thoughts of recovery. I see the thought in a deep red. Red for pain, for distress, for danger. And I see that the thought is demanding me to run. Demanding me that my day cannot continue if I do not complete my run. Demanding me that my life is completely dependent on this run. And I feel anxious. I feel overwhelmed. These feelings translate to a feeling of tightness in my chest, an irregular, pulsing heartbeat, a steady headache, and aching in my legs that have already begun to prepare to carry out the thought that races through my brain. My body is in distress. I must make a change. Will it be giving in to the thought and perpetuating the reign of my eating disorder or will it be combatting the thought with recovery, strength, and bravery?

In order to make the right decision, I must analyze the thought. This thought was triggered by my long-standing habitual behavior of running immediately upon waking and allowing my eating disorder and OCD to formulate this as a strict behavioral pattern. The thought has been persistent since last night which was persistent from my previous run, and even as I have slept, I have suffered the torment of the eating disorder. This thought has the possibility of leading to a compulsive run, which in turn, feeds my eating disorder and sets up my day with an eating disordered mindset rather than a mindset of recovery. And while most days, I give in, I am not willing to continue to let my eating disorder rule my life.

So I must combat the thought. The irrational, compulsive, obsessive, destructive thought.

I do not need to run. My run does not need to be the way I start my day. My body does not require a run to be healthy or fit, rather my body is begging for a break, begging for me to listen to its needs and wants. My body will thank me for skipping the run and giving it a rest to recover physically, allowing it to reach a healthy weight. A run is not my permission to eat. My body needs food just to survive and I must feed it so that I can live. My run is not my key to success, my recovery is my key to success, and therefore, if I give in to my behaviors, I am moving away from my success. When I am at a healthy weight and in more solid recovery, I can integrate running into my life for healthy reasons. Right now, I must focus on my recovery.

And just like that, I stopped thinking according to the eating disorder and started thinking according to my recovery. And this was extremely difficult to complete. And it will be even more difficult to proceed through this process tomorrow morning as I wake up to the same thoughts. My eating disorder will scream and scream. It will refuse to back down. But I must also refuse to back down because I am sick and tired of thinking according to the eating disorder. I am ready to start thinking in the freedoms of recovery.

This has begun a new thought pattern, and although it may not mean giving up running right away, it is a foundation upon which I can set goals to decrease the amount I run and the time of day that I run. It will be extremely important for me to begin to implement these changes in order to continue my path towards recovery and break the patterns that have held me hostage for weeks. One change at a time, in both my thought process and my actions, will be the necessary steps I need to reach full recovery.

I am exhausted of constantly living in the torments of my eating disorder as the thoughts scream through my head, every second of the day, wearing me down to the point where it seems there is no escape and no point in continuing to fight a seemingly endless battle. But it is at this point of pure exhaustion when I must be my strongest and talk back to the eating disorder. I must dedicate every ounce of energy and strength that I have to stop thinking the thoughts of the eating disorder by combatting each and every destructive thought as I start thinking with a stronger, constructive, recovery-oriented mindset.

I want my mind back. And I want my body back. So I am going to take it back with every ounce of recovery I have within me. And I am going to stop thinking the lies of the eating disorder and start thinking the beauty of recovery. The only way to change is to stop. And to start.