Weekly Update #6: I Promise

As I celebrated my birthday this past week, I made a promise to myself. And that promise goes as follows.

I promise to myself that I will make my 19th year a year of complete dedication to my full recovery, a year of steps forward, no longer steps backward, a year of getting my life back instead of wasting my life away.

I promise to myself that I will no longer let my eating disorder rule my life, no longer let my eating disorder dictate my every move, my every bite, my every step, no longer let my eating disorder take precedence over my life instead of letting myself shine through.

I promise to myself that I will create goals and stick to them because I know I want recovery more than anything. I will no longer view my day as an opportunity to lose weight, rather I will view each day as a new opportunity to gain in recovery. I will find my inner strength and never, ever let it go, because I know I am capable of this, I am capable of taking back my life, I am capable of achieving full, complete, absolute recovery.

I promise to myself that I will save Shell. This is my year to take my life back. I will not let any more years go by, wasting away to the grasp of a deathly eating disorder, only existing rather than truly living the full, possible life I was given. I have spent half of my life pushing my life away into the hands of an eating disorder. And I will spend the rest of my life holding my life in my hands, nurturing and protecting all of the possibilities, gifts, and life that are so incredibly beautiful and priceless in a life of full recovery.

This week, I celebrated a birthday. And not just my 19th birthday. I celebrated my first birthday of my full, true, free life. I celebrated the birth of my life in recovery. My life in full, true, beautiful recovery.

And what better way to begin than deciding to conquer a goal that has acted as a significant barrier towards my progress forward?

I decided that steps in recovery were far more important than steps on campus. The only way to begin the process of recovery is to accept that challenging my temptations to engage in behaviors is going to be extremely difficult, extremely painful, and extremely overwhelming. And trust that these feelings are only temporary and will lead way to results that are extremely freeing, extremely positive, and extremely full of life, happiness, and recovery.

So my first step forward involved cutting out one of my usual walks that had become so habitual, so compulsive, and so detrimental to my health and recovery. And, to be completely honest, the amount of anxiety, frustration, and discouragement I felt as I initially sat in the UCONN Student Union, resisting the urge to engage in my compulsive walk, was extremely overwhelming and came very close to pushing me over the edge into the hands of my eating disorder. Tears flowed, anxiety coursed through my body, my muscles tensed up and began to rebel against me for not following the orders of my eating disorder. But as I sat and kept the vision of recovery in the forefront of my brain, focusing only on the life in recovery I wanted so badly, I felt the urges, the emotions, the physical reactions begin to subside. Slowly but surely, they proved their lack of permanence as they gradually gave way to feelings of accomplishment, peace, and strength. I was doing it. I was really doing it. A challenge I had just recently thought of as an impossible task to accomplish was so incredibly possible to fulfill. I am starting my impossible.

And although it is a small reduction in walking, it is so much more than a small step in recovery. I broke a pattern that had plagued my life for weeks, and I started moving forward in the direction of my freedom. I challenged my eating disorder, I challenged my obsessive compulsive disorder, and I challenged my extreme anxiety to begin the path of my life in full, beautiful recovery.

I have completed the first step, the hardest step, in starting my recovery. I survived, and now I am ready to thrive. Little by little, I will continue to follow my promises to myself by challenging the deepest thoughts and behaviors that have controlled my life for 9 years too long. The only key to full recovery lies in dispelling all eating disorder thoughts and behaviors, fully and completely, and in always looking forwards, never backwards. As I know from past experience, recovery cannot be attempted halfway. Recovery must receive one hundred percent dedication. And one hundred percent dedication means attacking each and every eating disorder thought and behavior one hundred percent, replacing the spaces left open from the eating disorder with the fullness of freedom, the fullness of happiness, the fullness of life.

I am fully willing to put forth the one hundred percent dedication needed for my recovery. My entire life, I have put over one hundred percent of my efforts and energy into succeeding in every aspect of my life, from academics to athletics to music to relationships. So why is it so hard for me extend my drive to achieve one hundred percent to my recovery? Currently, I do not have an exact answer as to why my drive for success in all areas of my life seems to fall just short with my eating disorder. But realizing this is the first step to change, and as a “homework assignment” from my clinician, I will be exploring the deeper reasons behind why it is so difficult for me to let go of my eating disorder. And hopefully, by revealing deeper answers underlying my eating disorder, I can pinpoint exactly what needs to be done to eliminate my eating disorder once and for all.

And my promise is not just to myself. I promise to not just myself, but my boyfriend, my family, my friends, my future children, my future patients, and all of the people I hope to positively impact in my life, that I will not give up. I promise I will save myself in order to save others. I promise I will not give my life to my eating disorder, I will nurture and care for the life I was given and embrace the future that lies ahead of me. I promise I will not let you down. I will get through this.

In addition to the promises that I made to myself on my birthday, I celebrated my birthday in the best way possible with my boyfriend, and I was the luckiest girl to be able to spend my Saturday with him and adventure through all of the surprises he planned for me. He surprised me with a date at Muse Paint Bar, and the guided painting was the perfect painting for us. Here are some pictures from our date, capturing each and every moment of the perfect birthday :)

All in all, I was truly the luckiest girl to have had the most perfect birthday weekend complete with a special lunch with my twin and mom at UCONN, spending time with my family, a surprise visit by my boyfriend after his long trip home on Friday, and all of the surprises he had in store for me on Saturday. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to bring in my year of recovery.

This next week is my first week of 19. But more importantly, my first week of my true, full, beautiful recovery. And I have some promises to keep. Additionally, this isn’t going to be an easy week. I have my first round of exams in multiple classes in addition to reading that seems to double by the day and additional assignments due consistently throughout the week. But this is college, and this is a good kind of stress, a stress that indicates I am succeeding in my push for recovery. I am succeeding in my attempts not just to survive, but to thrive as a college student. One step at a time, I will get through this week, and I will be even stronger after I have finished. One small step at a time.

As always, I have created a list of goals for myself to help me stick to my promises and continue on the path to full, true, beautiful recovery.

Step less to step more in recovery: a continuing goal, but a vital goal to my immediate health and my long term recovery.
Explore deeper: journal about why I am still having a difficult time letting go of my eating disorder, and delve into my deepest thoughts and the underlying meaning behind them.
One step at a time: take each day as it comes, focusing on the tasks I have at hand rather than overwhelming myself by looking at the whole week at once and all of the upcoming stressors that lie ahead. Create a structured task list for each day to keep my anxiety down and keep me on track with my academics.
Distraction! Follow the skills that I have gained from months in treatment, fill my time that originally would have been dedicated to walking with distractions such as writing, journaling, drawing, reading, studying, playing piano, etc.
Add flavor to my life: vary the foods I chose for meals and snack, switch it up, do not be afraid to try new foods and enjoy what I am eating rather than solely picking foods based on the rules my eating disorder has forced into my brain.
Scream for ice cream! Challenge myself to go out for ice cream once this week, conquering both a fear food and a fear of eating portions that are not directly within my control.
Write out a list of my promises to myself and a list of my reasons to recover. Keep them in my backpack so that I will have a constant reminder of why I need to push myself through the discomfort of now to get to full, true recovery.
Make my first week of 19 the best start to my life in full, true, beautiful recovery.

A promise holds incredible power. And my promises hold the power of my freedom, the power of my happiness, and the power of my recovery, my future, my life.

February 9th, 1999, Michelle was born.

February 9th, 2018, Shell was saved. And her life in full, beautiful recovery was born.