Weekly Update #4: Calm, Confident, and Courageous

I am going to be completely honest.

Last weekend, I was scared.

I was scared that my lapse had turned into a relapse. I was scared that the four months I had spent pushing forward, gaining strength, and developing a strong base in recovery had suddenly gone to waste as I slipped back into the depths of my destroyer. I was scared that my eating disorder, the deadly, destroying demon infiltrating my mind and body, had taken complete control yet again, and that, this time, there was no point of return.

I was scared.

But I was not finished fighting.

And I most certainly was not going to let fear hold me back.

So, here I am, a survivor of week one, and not just a survivor, a thriver of week two.

Persistence through fear can bring amazing outcomes. One step at a time, I persisted through the fear, challenges, and discomfort of change I faced this week, proving to myself that I CAN do this. And I WILL do this. And through that persistence, I discovered that not only would I survive this difficult time, but I would learn to thrive, however that may look, as small as it may start.

Surviving is exhausting. The amount of energy I was expending as I attempted to remain on the path of recovery while still slightly holding on to my eating disorder left me feeling weak, both physically and mentally, defeated, and overwhelmingly drained. And attempting to put up a face of strength as I completed coursework and a full day of classes became nearly impossible. Would I really let myself fall back into the same situation that took me down the first time, stripping me of the endless possibilities that lay ahead of me? And I had one clear answer for myself.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My life holds so much more potential than merely being a shell of exhaustion and sickness falsely filled by an eating disorder. My life can become anything I want it to be. So why would I choose to become sick and tired when I can choose recovery and a life of limitless possibilities?

Following a very important and productive meeting with my therapist, I came to some crucial realizations of the reasons underlying my eating disorder behaviors and my difficulty to let go of my eating disorder. And along with this self examination and realization came an overwhelming sense of clarity. Understanding the drive behind my eating disorder, a hidden force that has driven my eating disorder since the beginning, became a critical turning point this week, saving myself from a turn for the worse. And this continuing exploration will be a key factor in helping me achieve full recovery, as the only way to truly reach full recovery is by understanding the disorder completely to be able to conquer it completely. As I continue to delve deeper into understanding the underlying driving factors of my eating disorder, I hope to encounter a clear perception of the hidden mystery that lies within me.

With an increase in clarity, I felt a beautiful feeling of calmness, confidence, and courage. Three feelings that have been absent for quite some time now, especially recently with the onset of a great amount of change and high expectations to avoid relapse.

The calm silenced my fear, assuring me that hope was still existent, strength to fight still lie within me, and my future, a future of full recovery, is still completely possible, more possible than ever.

The confidence brought Shell back, the true, healthy, full of life Shell, and gave her the strength to stand up to the eating disorder that so desperately wished to tear her down.

And the courage revived my desire to continue on the path of recovery, revived my healthy mind, and revived my momentum forward.

Calm, confident, and courageous, I found Shell again. And she is fighting with every ounce of energy she has for the life that lies just within her reach.

And the fight isn’t easy. The struggle to complete my meal plan characterized the beginning of my week, however, I am proud to say that following my meeting on Wednesday, I have been reaching my meal plan consistently. I am now working on eating more earlier in the day in order to stabilize my physical health and glucose levels, especially while on campus, as well as expanding the foods I am eating, beginning to incorporate challenge foods while being sensitive to not overwhelm myself.

Another significant source of difficulty and anxiety is the compulsiveness of my activity level. With UCONN being such a big campus, it is difficult to limit the amount of walking I do throughout the day in regards to walking to multiple classes a day, not to mention the walk to the car that is located quite a distance from the center of campus. There are many opportunities, however, for me to cut down the amount of walking I do during my day on campus. And this is a challenge I plan on conquering starting today, as my body is not necessarily a fan of what I have been putting it through. As I said earlier, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, so here is the perfect opportunity to begin the change for the better. No better time than the present.

Along with the exceptionally positive turning point I encountered this week, I also developed a sense of consistency as I discovered and formed a daily schedule that brought control and predictability into my life after a week of difficult change and inconsistency. I began to look forward to each day, knowing the general outline for the day and learning to accept and embrace the normal fluctuations and variety that each day would bring. So with a brand new week ahead of me, I am ready to conquer both the known and the unknown that lie ahead.

This past weekend was also full of successes that have laid the foundation for upcoming success this week. Saturday, I was fortunate enough to be able to see my boyfriend and guess where we went? NOODLES AND COMPANY! We continued our tradition and love for macaroni and cheese and each other, savoring the golden goodness and every moment we could spend together. Having been hesitant to try new foods other than the foods that fall onto my “safe foods” list, I conquered the challenge and reflected the revival of Shell and the confidence and courage that characterized this week.

And the calmness, confidence, and courage that characterized last week will most certainly carry into this week and will continue to grow increasingly in strength, pulling me closer and closer to the life of freedom, happiness, and recovery I so desperately wish to reach. As always, I have created a list of goals to ensure I put my calmness, confidence, and courage to proper use this week:

Fuel my body consistently throughout the day: make sure to get the proper amount of food in at each meal and snack, especially in the mornings, in order to sustain my mind and body throughout the day.
Continue crushing the full meal plan :)
Remember that steps forward in recovery mean less steps on campus: walk only the amounts required of me, keep myself occupied during free time so I do not feel tempted to get extra steps in
Listen to my body. Really listen. Become more compassionate toward my body. Treat my body with the same kindness that I treat everyone else with.
Expand with food choices. Explore tastes that I like and am interested in. Don’t be afraid to switch up meals and snacks. Variety and food freedom are key parts of recovery.
Continue delving deep into the hidden secrets of my eating disorder in order to conquer it once and for all. Journal, creatively express my thoughts, talk it out, explore in any way that feels right and ultimately gets me closer to recovery.
Stay calm, confident, and courageous.
Keep on Saving Shell.

Shell is back. And she is full of calmness, confidence, and courage. Calmness to conquer fear. Confidence to capture her life. Courage to continue her journey rich in recovery.

Calm, confident, and courageous, I CAN and I WILL conquer.