Weekly Update #3: Survive then Thrive

I survived.

I survived my first week back at college. I survived an incredible amount of change. I survived my classes and managing a new schedule. I survived commuting to school despite my strong desire to live on campus and have the full college experience. I survived the increasing, compelling eating disorder thoughts that crept in along with memories associated with my previous attempt at college. I survived the relentless temptation to fall back to my eating disorder.

I survived.

And I am a survivor. I am alive. Heart still beating, lungs still breathing, body still functioning. And most importantly, my healthy mind is still alive and fighting.

I will not let go of my healthy mind. Because my healthy mind is my key to my future. My key to gaining my life back, piece by piece, one step at a time. My key to succeeding at UCONN and in nursing school. My key to graduating with a nursing degree and continuing on to work as a psych nurse on an inpatient eating disorder floor. My key to Saving Shell, saving myself to save others.

And this mindset to hold on tight to my healthy mind and all of the progress in recovery I have developed has been the difference between my previous first week at college and my Brand New Start this week. I want recovery. I want my full life back. So why let my eating disorder stand in the way, yet again, only to result in the outcome that strips my life away, strips absolutely everything from me, strips me from me?

I will not let my eating disorder continue to rule my life. I am exhausted of being a follower to a deadly, degrading, destructive voice in my head, losing all sight of my healthy mind. I will stand up and fight each and every second of the day for my healthy mind and body. And with my healthy mind and body, I will not just survive, I will thrive.

This week, I survived. And that was all I expected of myself this week. I did not expect myself to completely recover, erase all of my eating disorder behaviors and thought patterns, and breeze through the week with no anxiety, no frustration, no fear, no moments of setback. But I did expect myself to survive. And with this as my expectation, I feel a sense of accomplishment and success as this week comes to a close and I welcome the start of my second week at college.

Survival is defined as the state of continuing to live and exist, in spite of difficult circumstances. With this definition comes a sense of struggle, pain, and suffering that lies within the difficult circumstances that have been faced. And, unfortunately, I cannot deny that this week did have its moments of struggle, pain, and suffering, more moments than I like to admit. But this was a week of change. And change is difficult. Change will always be difficult. And it is the way that we handle change that determines whether our survival leads to success or whether our survival leads to relapse. The survival during my previous experience at college led to relapse. But I am determined to lead my survival towards success, towards recovery, towards life.

Usually with my weekly updates, I talk about my positive parts of the week first and then transition into the more difficult parts of the week, however, I believe it will be more effective to get the difficult moments out of the way and end on a more positive note, leading into the new week with a sense of positivity.

So, let’s begin. I have mentioned this many times now. Change is hard. Extremely hard. And transitioning back into college is a major change. I have always had a difficult time dealing with and adapting to change, and for as long as I can remember, my eating disorder has been my coping mechanism to help bring back control, stability, and predictability into my life when I am struggling with change. So, this time, knowing that my downfall with my previous transition into college had resulted from my complete submission of my mind and body to my eating disorder as it promised to make the change better and take away the stress of college, I started in with a new attitude. I will do whatever it takes to make this work. To make college work. To make nursing school work. To make my life work. And this mindset worked to some degree in keeping me from moving backwards and relapsing.

But I also cannot lie and say that I moved forward and had recovery on my mind the entire time. There were moments of extreme temptation to walk and walk, past the already lengthy paths and amounts necessary to trek the UCONN campus to class. The main reason for my downfall during the Fall semester was my inability to stop myself from walking. I spent every free moment walking around campus, listening to my eating disorder as it screamed in my brain to walk the extra mile, take the longest route, occupy every moment of free time with movement. And so this week, I was extremely fearful that I would fall into the same trap set by my eating disorder. And I was extremely tempted to fall into the trap. But I also knew the outcome. An outcome of lost college, lost future, possibly even lost life.

I was not perfect this week. And I did walk more than I necessarily should have. And I continued with my daily runs despite the increase in walking that naturally comes with being a UCONN student. But I caught myself before it got to the level of unhealthiness and obsession that led to my previous relapse. And I took time in my day to sit, relax, and even nap, listening to my body’s cues and needs. And I kept up with the meal plan I had been completing previously to give my body the energy needed to succeed physically and mentally as a college student. The next step, however, will be following the recommendations of my clinician and family, increasing my caloric intake to match my energy expenditure on campus. Because I will not let my survival turn into a relapse. My survival will turn into success.

As I mentioned earlier, I am commuting to UCONN for this semester, which has been very difficult for me to accept and has led to feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment. And with these feelings come subsequent feelings of guilt, anxiety, and self-blame. Commuting is difficult when your original intention for college was to live out every part of the college experience, which is in large part, dorm life and living on your own for the first time. So, seeing my vision of college being lived by countless other students on the campus has been extremely difficult to accept and move past. Having a dorm to call your own, to decorate, to keep your stuff in, to crash in during the day, to have a space away from the chaos of campus and classes, to get together with friends, to meet people in your hall, to live on your own, independently. It is a part of the college experience that many take for granted. And I feel as if I am missing out on so much as I walk up to my car every day and drive off campus, away from the college experience and returning home to finish up work and meals that remain to be completed. When will I ever be normal? When will I get my life back?

But this week has also made it clear to me that baby steps are key to my success in recovery. From previous experience in attempting to dorm on campus last semester, it can be seen that too much change at once overwhelms me and ultimately leads to relapse. I know that change is difficult for me. So why push for an overwhelming amount of change when I know that my primary reaction is to turn to my eating disorder when I feel overwhelmed and out of control with change? And, although it may still continue to be difficult to accept now, commuting to school will take away the potential for me to initiate too much change at once and ultimately fall back into the death grip of my eating disorder. One step at a time, and I will slowly but surely get my life back.

And one step at a time, this week has moved towards positivity. In terms of academics, I have been able to keep up with and enjoy each and every one of my classes, as well as adjust to my weekly schedule of classes, even my three days a week of 8 am classes. I was able to meet with my academic advisor and was officially reinstated into the Honors program, taking two honors classes this semester in subjects that peak my interest. And most exciting (and nerve-racking) of all, I submitted my application for the UCONN School of Nursing, hoping to gain acceptance into the nursing program for the Fall of 2018. So academically, this week has been very successful and has given me a strong foundation for the semester.

In terms of the social aspect of college, I was very nervous upon my return that I would struggle to connect with friends, both new and old, due to my abrupt medical leave last semester. But to my pleasant surprise, I surpassed the struggle and found myself connecting with both new and old friends, all of whom have been extremely supportive and welcoming to me upon my return to college. I am extremely grateful to have so many incredible friends who care so deeply and continue to believe in me and stay by my side despite the struggles I have been through.

Most importantly of all, my boyfriend came home from college this weekend, and after two weeks of missing him so incredibly much, we were able to spend Saturday evening together. And our Saturday night represented recovery in so many ways.

My boyfriend and I have a bucket list of close to 200 items, which only continues to grow, and this list has been a very significant part of my recovery. Every adventure that we want to experience together is added to the list, everything from watching a movie at the recliner chair movie theater in Plainville to paradise vacations to Europe, the Caribbean, and so many more. During my hospitalizations, especially my hospitalization in May, I carried our bucket list with me everywhere I went, placing it in front of my tray at meals, reading it during my free time, even sleeping with it right next to my pillow. Because this bucket list wasn’t just any ordinary bucket list. This was a representation of my future, my future with the love of my life, my future in full recovery. And I was not going to let go of my future.

An item that has been a part of our bucket list for quite some time now has been making a homemade recipe, from scratch, starting with a trip to the grocery store and finishing with a delicious masterpiece of our own. And on Saturday night, we took this list item to the next level. And we conquered recovery with the ultimate homemade mac and cheese. Not to mention that mac and cheese is one of my boyfriend’s favorite foods, mac and cheese also holds a deeper significance to me.

Our very first date was to a restaurant. A restaurant called Noodles and Company. This was our first time meeting each other. And this was the day our lives changed forever, our paths crossed, and our relationship began. We set the definition of love at first sight, and when they say you know when you have met the right one for you, they aren’t lying. Because that indescribably amazing phenomenon hit me the second I saw him and we sat down for lunch. And his order? Macaroni and cheese. And so our three hour long lunch conversation began with the topic of mac and cheese as we dug into our meals and the beginning of our relationship began. Mac and cheese literally brought us together.

But mac and cheese didn’t end there. He shared his love for the food with me, introducing me to a variety of different kinds, in particular, Velveeta. As I began to decline in health, both mentally and physically falling into the depths of my eating disorder, my boyfriend never left my side and carried me through my most difficult moments when I no longer had the strength to continue on my own two feet. He would encourage me in any way that he could to nourish and sustain my body as best as possible. And despite the extreme anxiety and suffering that would accompany meals, especially as I came closer and closer to my admission to the hospital, I was able to push through a meal of mac and cheese because I knew how much it would mean to my boyfriend and how much significance it held. When my immune system began to fail and I became sick with a severe sinus infection, he made a special trip to my house to bring me mac and cheese, and although my eating disorder screamed at me to give up, I was able to push through with a bowl of mac and cheese.

Mac and cheese became my symbol of recovery. Even if the rest of the day, I fell deep into the grasp of my eating disorder, depriving my body of food the majority of the day and running myself into the ground, literally, I resorted to a meal of mac and cheese for dinner, holding onto the hope for recovery that my boyfriend gave me. My last meal before the hospital was a bowl of mac and cheese.

So, with mac and cheese holding much more significance than just a delicious bowl of creamy, golden pasta, holding the significance of both the beginning of our relationship and a symbol of hope and recovery, our Saturday night held incredible meaning, hope, and love as we set out to discover the most delicious form of mac and cheese: our own masterpiece full of our own love.

Our quest for both goodness and recovery began with an adventure through Stop and Shop, picking out the perfect ingredients for our masterpiece: elbow pasta, butter, milk, cheddar, mozzarella, and smokey bacon cheddar cheese, hot dogs, breadcrumbs, and a few extras (Scooby snacks and Toblerone chocolate for late night snacks). And then the cooking began. Being our first time cooking together and my first time cooking a full meal in forever, this was a milestone adventure. And I made sure to capture every single step of the adventure in pictures, because a night this significant needed to be saved in every way possible.

After 25 minutes of baking in the oven, our masterpiece was complete. And a symbol of our relationship and incredible recovery sat deliciously in front of us. And here comes the real moment of recovery. Despite the swirling thoughts of anxiety and fear regarding the dish in front of me, I pushed myself to have a bite. And I enjoyed every single moment of the warm, delicious, recovery and love filled mac and cheese. Although just a bite, this bite was the entrance into full, amazing, delicious recovery. Who knew mac and cheese could hold so much power and significance in just one bite?

With such an amazing, recovery filled night to bring in the new week, week two of school, I have a very strong feeling that this week will be full of success and positivity. With one week of transition and experience under my belt, I am ready to dive full force into school AND recovery.

Not one or the other.

Both.

A path towards recovery always needs specific goals to lay the foundation and structure of the path. So, for this upcoming week, I have set the following goals for myself:

Remember that in order to keep taking steps forward in recovery, this means taking less steps through walking and running. Remind myself of the what I truly want in life: my future, my recovery, my life.
Feed my brain and body. Food is fuel. Fuel for my healthy mind. Eating my full meal plan will give me the energy needed for both success in my academics and my recovery.
Set a schedule that works for my recovery. Continue to figure out a routine that is effective for my studying and my recovery.
One step at a time. Remember that baby steps are necessary for full recovery. Remind myself of this, especially when I become frustrated regarding commuting.
Set aside time for studying, socializing, and sleeping. Three areas that my body needs and the eating disorder tends to deprive me of.
Experience and expand. Begin to experience college by allowing myself to eat typical college foods (attempt to eat at dining hall or the student union for at least 1 meal). Expand my food choices at meals and snacks, especially by packing different lunches for school.
Forgive myself. Forgive myself for feeling anxious, upset, angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Forgive myself for not making as much progress as planned. Forgive myself for not CURRENTLY being in full recovery. Forgive myself and be kind to myself.

This is a brand new week. And being a survivor of week one of college, I am ready to take on week two. This is my week to prove that my survival will not turn into a relapse. My survival will turn into success. My healthy mind is alive and ready to conquer.

And this week, I will not just survive. I will thrive.