Weekly Update #2: My Brand New Start

Weekly Update 2: My Brand New Start

And just like that. We are officially two weeks into 2018. And even more unimaginable: school starts in less than 24 hours.

For more than four months, I have been waiting for this day to approach, working every single second, putting all of my energy in, and devoting all my strength to make this day a reality. This day was not free. This day cost unbelievable amounts of energy, strength, courage, determination, and even the occasional tear and meltdown. But this day is here. And this day has been earned. The first day of school, round two. My Brand New Start.

And I know that this day leads to a much brighter future than my previous first day of college because I now have the knowledge, strength, and recovery to backup my success and strength to keep pushing forward, even when external stressors try to bring me down. I will not let anything stop me. I have worked too hard to let the past four months of recovery building vanish into thin air. This is my time to prove myself. And there is nothing I want to prove more than my ability to Save Shell.

Before I jump too fast into talking about this upcoming week, I feel the need to reflect a bit on this previous week, both the highs and the lows. Positively speaking, I spent time with both family and friends this week, which really contributed to my success and positivity this week. I had a special visit with my aunt on Wednesday, spending the day snowshoeing and learning from my aunt’s motivational, compassionate lessons regarding my recovery. I am so glad I got the time to catch up with her and my uncle before starting back at school. Additionally, I got to spend some quality time with my twin sister, reconnecting and forming a friendship that cannot be replaced. I am so lucky to have such amazing family by my side, no matter what.

Not only was I lucky enough to catch up with family, but I reconnected with two of my close friends who have been incredibly supportive to me throughout my entire journey with an eating disorder. We discovered a new pottery painting place in town, and I used my creative side to create a “recovery mug” which I plan on using as much as possible. As soon as the product is finished, I will be sure to post a picture! I am so grateful for the incredible support of my family and friends.

In terms of goal achievements, this week was much more successful than I envisioned. Going into the week with some lofty goals, I was hesitant to see how the week would play out. Experimenting with food was the theme of the week. I became much more comfortable with incorporating new foods into my meals, especially dinners, and I attempted to add variation to my dinners each night. And the most important part, I was able to complete my challenge of the week, eating two meals, both of which were dinners, and both of which I did not know the exact calories of the entrees, practicing my guesstimating and intuitive eating skills. The first meal was parmesan-crusted chicken breast and the second meal was pork tenderloin. And I was able to enjoy every bite of each meal! I even added an additional challenge Sunday night by picking up a pre-made roasted mushroom quesadilla at Whole Foods and eating it for dinner, challenging myself to eat something that I did not prepare and that was not a “traditional food” in my comfort zone. And I made it through each meal, still surviving, still pushing forward.

Another goal I set last week was to listen to my body and change up the pace with running. And I was successful in varying my runs and changing up the pace, first by switching my running from the treadmill to outside runs at a variety of locations and speeds, however, this change in location did tend to feed into my eating disorder behaviors. Being in a place of growing recovery, I was able to point out that my switch to running outside was not necessarily healthy for me mentally or physically, and I broke this cycle this weekend by returning to my indoor runs. I still am working on allowing myself a break in my runs, giving myself rest days, and this will be a major goal for me in these upcoming weeks.

This week was also successful in terms of work and school, as I successfully finished up my last few days at work, making sure to get my meals and snacks in even when timing was tight, and I successfully contacted UCONN regarding several important questions for this upcoming semester, setting up an appointment with my advisor for the first day of classes. I am grateful for the lessons that work has taught me and the recovery experience that I have gained during my time working. And I am even more grateful that I have the opportunity to start school again this Tuesday, a fresh start with endless possibilities.

Although this week had many positives, anxiety and challenges seemed to grow as the week drew to a close, especially with the anticipation of the start of school. I had a bit of a setback this week, and without getting into details, I am aware that I need to push harder to stay on track with meals and exercise in order to keep moving forward, especially with school right around the corner. It has been difficult for me to increase the amount the I am eating, however, with the implications that come with not following the recommended caloric intake for my activity level, I am not willing to let myself move backwards and jeopardize my success at both school and in recovery. So there is no better time than now. No matter how difficult it may be, it is my goal to not let any more time or excuses stand in my way. Food is my fuel. And my body needs all the fuel it can get to be successful at school.

In addition to anxiety around food and my body, I have had a significantly difficult time with school related anxiety. The intense fear of change, fear of starting a new schedule, fear of the unknown. Fear that I won’t be up for the intellectual challenges, that classes will be too hard. Fear that I will fall into the same behaviors and mindset that took me down the first time, of letting my eating disorder take over control again. Fear of losing college again, and this time for good.

But I am in control of every single thing I fear. I am in control of how I handle change and a new schedule. I am in control of my studies and classes and the amount of time I dedicate towards excelling in my academics. I have control over my actions and how I react to my thoughts. I have control over my eating disorder. And I have control over recovery, control over Saving Shell.

And with this mindset, I am starting school in a much better place than my start in September. I am starting school with an attitude of success in my academics rather than an attitude of success in my eating disorder. This will be the key difference. And this will be my brand new start, a huge step in the direction of Saving Shell.

This is a big week on multiple accounts. There is a lot at stake this week; however, there is also a lot of growth, strength, knowledge, and experience to be gained. And it is my job to grasp on to the opportunity in front of me and hold on tight. This will be difficult. But this will be possible. This will be worth it.

A key part of my success this week will be having a concrete, specific set of goals to keep me on track and moving forward. So, here is my plan for a week of success:

1. Prepare for school: pack necessary school supplies, pick up books, pack food and snacks

2. Plan out my schedule for the week so that I can help myself adapt to the change and minimize stress around a new schedule

3. Increase my calorie consumption to match my exercising in order to stay on track

4. Keep myself busy with school work and socializing when I feel tempted to over-exercise on campus

5. Meet with my advisor and make this transition as smooth as possible academically

6. Find time for self-care, avoiding my temptation to overwork myself and not listen to my body’s needs and wants

7. Try to have at least one meal on campus: no measuring food, just guesstimating and following what my body wants

8. Continue to expand with my food choices, being careful to not overwhelm myself, but being okay with grabbing a snack on campus or going out to eat with friends

And so the week begins. With a plan and a mindset for success, this will be a new start for the better. A new start for recovery. I want to thank everyone for your continued love and support, especially during this time of excitement and change. I apologize if my posting is a bit slower than normal this week, as it will be a busy week of classes and adjusting to a new schedule, however, I will be sure to stay engaged with you all and keep you updated with how the week is going.

This is the week to prove myself. This is my brand new start, the start I have worked for months to achieve. This is my chance. And I will dive right in with a mindset of recovery and success. I will Save Shell.