Why Be Silent?

I am not ashamed.

This is my struggle. This is my fight. This is my story.

So why be ashamed of a struggle solely because it is mental and not physical? Why be ashamed of a fight that is extremely difficult but is a fight I know that I can win? Why be ashamed of my story, a story of strength and perseverance, a story I know can inspire others?

I am not ashamed of my eating disorder. I have never been ashamed. And, most importantly, I will never be ashamed.

Many people are quite surprised and intrigued by my openness regarding my struggle with an eating disorder, wondering how I built up the courage to be so honest, be so vulnerable, be so open regarding a topic that is usually kept so closed.

And my response is: Why be silent?

Why should I be afraid to speak of a struggle just because it cannot necessarily be seen or diagnosed with a physical test?

Why should I hide behind my illness and only further my feeling of isolation, further my segregation from the “normal” world around me?

Why should I silence my struggle only because society holds such a strong stigma against mental illness?

In a world with such degrading, humiliating, false stigmas against mental illnesses, not just exclusively to eating disorders, it is extremely difficult to feel comfortable sharing personal struggles with mental illness. Struggle that cannot be seen tends to be unheard, as well. And this deeply saddens me. That countless individuals struggle in silence, too afraid to admit of the battle that tears them from the inside out, forced to fight alone, in terrifyingly painful silence.

Stigmas continually portray patients with eating disorders as uncontrollable, weak, petty, selfish and self-centered, and attention-seeking. These dig deep. And sting. No wonder it is so difficult to admit to having an eating disorder when such misconceptions and false judgements seem to hold us at knife's edge. Admit to your disorder, and immediately, you are an attention-seeking, self-centered, out of control, immature being who can’t “simply” get your act together and eat. Why would you ever want to open up about an eating disorder with such a threatening outcome awaiting?

But this is not the question we should be asking. Rather, why have we let our society develop and believe such terribly inaccurate, degrading stigmas regarding a life threatening illness?

I very rarely use the word hate because I believe it to be a very strong and, at times, unnecessarily degrading term. But I use the word with all certainty when needed.

I hate stigmas. I hate the locked door that individuals struggling with mental illness must struggle behind because of stigmas. I hate the silent, isolated pain and suffering that individuals must endure because our society has become too ignorant of the struggle of mental illness and the impact that its stigmas have on countless individuals.

And with such a strong hatred for the stigmas that brutally push us out of society, I will not stand any longer, watching these stigmas continue to tear down the lives of too many people. I will stand up to stigma, no matter what it takes.

The first step: I will not be silent.

I will not be ashamed of my story and pretend that my eating disorder does not exist. My eating disorder has been a part of my life for half of my life, for nine years. Nine years too long, but nine years of a story that should not be wasted to silence because I am too afraid of how the world might react. An eating disorder is an illness. A life threatening illness. And I am in the process of healing myself from a life threatening illness. Why should I be ashamed?

The second step: I will share my story. My entire story. The complete, raw truth.

I am an open book. Every second of my nine year struggle and my continuing journey towards recovery is my story. I encourage you to read along, ask questions, and learn. With my writing and photographs, I hope to share my story more than ever before, achieving two main goals.

One, I hope to break the stigma targeting eating disorders by showing that mental illnesses are not something to be ashamed of. I hope to erase the false stereotypes surrounding all types of eating disorders. By sharing my struggle and experience with an eating disorder, my hope is to bring at least some clarity to the mysteries of an eating disorder and prove wrong many of these common, incorrect stereotypes and misconceptions. Eating disorders are not a simple subject and are often misunderstood, misinterpreted. And I don’t expect those who do not struggle with an eating disorder to fully understand the eating disorder and its deepest secrets. But I hope that in remaining open about my struggle and continuing story, I can bring some form of clarity to this deadly disease.

And two, I hope to give others struggling with an eating disorder, or any other mental illness, the inspiration, strength and courage to break their own silence, to share their own story, and to not be ashamed. Because no one deserves to fight alone, locked behind the concrete, silencing door of stigma, misunderstanding, and false judgements. I hope to give strength and encouragement to those who are struggling and have been too afraid to accept they indeed have a serious health condition requiring medical attention, too afraid to reach out for the help they so desperately need, too afraid to enter treatment for fear of judgement or rejection from others, for fear that they are not indeed sick enough for treatment. Stigmas dig much deeper than creating a mere false image of an eating disorder. Stigmas prevent individuals from seeking and receiving the life saving treatment they so desperately need and deserve. Stigmas are deadly. No individual should ever feel unworthy of treatment, recovery, and the fullness of life without an eating disorder. You deserve to be heard and be helped.

And the third step: I will not let ANY stigma, negative opinions, or roadblocks of any kind stop me from sharing my story, moving forward, and creating a change for the better.

For nine years, as I have struggled to silence the lethal voices screaming in my head, I have simultaneously struggled to fend off the stigmas, negative reactions, and belittling comments of voices outside my head. And in previous years, I have let both the voices inside my head and the voices outside of of my head control my emotions, my actions, my life. I would shut down and let the eating disorder take complete control.

But Michelle has taken back control. And she has the strength, knowledge, and power to stand up to the voices inside and the voices outside of her head. She will stand up and fight. For herself. For others. For a world free from stigma, fear, and silence.

I will leave you all with a quote I heard the other day on the radio that really hit home with me, especially since I heard this the morning I started writing this blog post.