Weekly Update #1: Resolutions, Restaurants, and Recovery!

It’s official. The first week of 2018 is complete. And I can already confidently say that this year, the year 2018, is going to be a year full of positivity, strength, success, triumph, and recovery. With 2017 behind me, the time is now to move forward. And, oh the goals and visions I have for the future. Nothing. But. Forward.

After doing some brainstorming this weekend, I have decided that, every Monday, I will release my “Weekly Update”, which will include a review of my previous week, where I will discuss both the positive, successful moments of the week, as well as the more difficult moments that I pushed myself through. This way, I can keep all of you updated with my journey through recovery and will be transparent regarding my recovery progress. I feel this will be the best way to remain engaged with you all and include you in my journey. I will also show that, although every day will be dedicated to the ultimate goal of recovery, the journey towards recovery is not linear. There will be moments of triumph, and there will be moments of struggle and setback. And this is okay. This is part of the process. And as long as moments of struggle and setback are used as learning, strengthening tools, the path towards recovery will continue forward.

In addition to including a review of the previous week, I will talk about my goals for the upcoming week, including both short term and long term goals, and how these goals fit into my vision for the future. My weekly update will be wrapped up with my anticipations for the upcoming week, and the most important, and probably most difficult, part for me to write, will be concluding with one positive affirmation. A personal challenge, but an incredibly important step forward.

So here goes Weekly Update #1.

The first week of a brand new year. A brand new me. With Monday being New Year’s Day, I put some thought into the classic tradition of making New Year’s Resolutions. But not the type of resolutions that are made and broken within the same week, only leading to a feeling of discouragement and setting a negative tone for the year. I decided my resolutions were going to be characterized as follows. Specific. Attainable. And recovery oriented. After many months in treatment, I learned that the most important component to moving forward is setting goals that can be visualized, can be attained, and are successful in bringing you closer to your ultimate goal. In my case, recovery.

So with an optimistic, recovery oriented mindset, I set out on my quest and produced the following goals for my year.

Start school at UCONN on January 16th, 2018, and SUCCESSFULLY make it through the semester. And, of course, successfully make it through the fall semester, as well.
Only positive self talk. A lofty goal, but also a very possible goal.
Enjoy life. Enjoy every single moment. Because every moment is precious and can never be replaced.
Savor the flavor. Turn my view of food around and enjoy meals for the taste, the nutrients, and the energy it provides me with to accomplish all of my goals. Free myself from my dependency on calories, follow what my body wants, find favorite foods, adventure to different restaurants. Find flavor in food, not fear.
Create kindness. Dedicate myself to improving the lives of others around me. Focus outwards instead of inwards. And equally important, learn to show myself the same kindness I show to others.
Develop the healthiest version of myself. Healthy mind, body, and soul.
Adventure. Create memories. Take risks. Step out of my comfort zone. Never regret. Live my life.
Save Shell, and save as many others as I can along the way.

With eight specific, attainable, recovery-oriented goals for the year, I have formed my blueprint for 2018. My blueprint for strength, success, and Saving Shell.

And I am happy to report that week one of 2018 started the year off right, getting a jump start on the path to recovery.

Earlier this week, I was in communication with UCONN about returning to campus and received the necessary information to prepare for my return in just a little over a week, including my return to honors and application into the UCONN nursing school. The closer January 16th comes, the more the excitement builds within me. All the hard work, all the struggles I pushed through, all the strength I have gained has all led up to succeeding this semester. And I have a very positive feeling about my return.

This week, I made a point of enjoying life, every single moment, living my life to the fullest. With this being the last week of my boyfriend’s break before school begins again for him, I dedicated as much time and focus to our adventures as possible. Spending New Year’s Eve together, holiday parties and bowling on New Year’s Day, a day full of adventures on Tuesday including a shopping trip and Cabela’s, and a trip to the Plainville AMC Theater Saturday night all added up to a perfect week full of adventures and living life with the love of my life. Being a few states apart from each other is difficult, but our relationship has only grown in strength and love, and the distance makes our times together incredibly special. Knowing that having him return to school would be difficult on my emotions, I made sure to keep busy on Sunday, not letting my depression creep in and derail any of the progress I have made and take away from the amazing memories we formed this week.

I also made a point this week to savor the flavor, free myself from obsessive calorie thoughts, and challenge myself to pick foods I enjoyed rather than foods that I deemed as “healthy” or foods that I continually fall back to as safe foods. First off, I took a trip to Chik-Fil-A with my boyfriend on Tuesday and challenged myself to order a meal and try a few sips of his milkshake, even eat one of his waffle fries. And in the process, I savored the flavor, became less strict on my calorie counting, and challenged myself to eat foods that I had previously categorized as “unsafe”. Win, Win, WIN. I also have begun to implement desserts and ice cream into my daily snacks, challenging my eating disordered belief that desserts will immediately turn my body fat. And the more I have challenged myself, the easier the bites have become, the more adventurous I have become, even challenging myself to a sliver of pie and a homemade Christmas dessert, a task I haven’t overcome in literal years.

So, all in all, I have pushed myself to enter 2018 stronger than ever, conquering my goals right from the start.

This week was very successful on many accounts. But as stated earlier, I will also include the difficult parts of my week to include transparency in my journey and show that recovery is not linear, and that is OKAY. As long as these obstacles are used as learning, growing lessons, tools for future growth and success.

As mentioned earlier, I had a really hard time seeing my boyfriend leave for college again, especially with it being a week before I start school again. My Sunday felt waves of depression eb and flow, but I did my best to remind myself that the distance is only temporary, and no matter how far apart we are, he is ever present in my heart, and I am ever present in his.

This week also presented a lot of difficult body image days, days when it became almost impossible to look in a mirror. In these moments, I avoided mirrors, knowing my limits and knowing that, at this time, avoidance is the key to moving forward. I know that this is a priority issue to address, and I also know that it will take a combination of time, exposure, and dedication before I become successful at accepting myself in the mirror. And so, for now, I am taking the necessary measures to keep my mental health on the right track. And, for now, that means avoiding mirrors and trying my absolute hardest to avoid the detrimental habit of body checking.

With my drive to challenge myself with food and exposures this week also came a significant amount of anxiety. Although this is a natural part of the recovery process, I find myself blaming myself for feeling anxious, guilty, and upset following a challenge. But I must remember that all challenges will be uncomfortable, stressful, and at times, upsetting, because, after all, that is the reason they were a challenge in the first place.

And finally, I have recently begun to struggle with the compulsivity around running and needing to get a run in every day, regardless of how I feel, regardless of how busy the day may be. And this has been a major stressor in my life, with most days, planning the course of my day around my run. Although I know exercise can be important for health, both physically and mentally, I know that the compulsivity that lies behind my running is not healthy. For that reason, I am challenging myself to listen to my body, mix up my running schedule, and implement rest days into my week, breaking the habitual nature of my runs.

So with one week successfully down, it is time for week two of 2018. I have a variety of specific goals for the week, in addition to my New Year’s goals, that I wish to implement into my blueprint for recovery.

Week 2 Goals:

Continue to expand with food: more variety, less measuring and calorie counting, more restaurants
Listen to my body, especially with running: take rest days, base running time and pace on how I am feeling, not what my eating disorder tells me, break compulsivity of running
Make it through my last week of work: advocate for my needs, bring extra snacks to keep my nutrition intake consistent throughout the day
Write, write, write! Continue blogging as much as I can.
Keep busy in free time: journal, write, play piano, watch Netflix, relax and not feel guilty about taking some time for myself
Prepare for school next week: order books, contact necessary UCONN administration, get warm clothes for cold winter days on campus

A week full of goals is a week set up for success, and I am ready to conquer. I anticipate another week of successes, and I can’t wait to update you throughout the week and with my Weekly Update #2 next Monday! Stay tuned for more blog posts throughout the week! Thank you all for your continued love and support as I journey on the path to recovery.

And as promised, I will challenge myself to conclude with a positive affirmation that seems quite fitting for the week:

I will use my story and journey towards recovery to inspire others. My story deserves to be heard. I deserve to be heard.